JonathanBenz.com

Vulnerability, Shame, Fear, etc.

Crucial to my daily work is showing compassion to those sitting in front of me, freeing them from shame and judgmental moralisms, often self-inflicted and pernicious in their impact on the human soul.

I know, because I struggle with that myself. That's when a good therapist comes in handy. Every helper needs a good helper too.

I came across this author/sociologist/researcher recently and thoroughly enjoyed her talk on TED that I've re-posted below.

There are some profound tips here on embracing the human condition of vulnerability, shame, fear...thereby being born into newness of joy, peace, and life.

I recommend watching the whole 20 minute clip when you have a little time.

 

 

The Power of Vulnerability

by Brene Brown 

To be vulnerable is to see all of me 

And to be open to 

The possibility of 

Authenticity 

The courage to love me 

And ask for what I need 

With no certainty 

And holding my own 

Hand with accountability 

Of boundaries that 

I Set to let go of 

Who I think you need me to be 

And the ingredients include 

Courage, compassion, connection 

And the nest is acceptance 

Of all of me Shame and guilt 

Must be looked at 

With severe honesty in 

Owning my story 

Trusting my spirit solely 

Letting go of shoulds and pushing 

Practicing gratitude into a 

Shifting of joy that 

Doesn't exclude fear or sadness 

But delivers the need for 

Certainty turned into faith 

And in the calm and still place 

Don't forget to play 

God brought us each here 

With a gift to create today  

Forgive and Forget?

I've been thinking more about the power that resentments hold over our lives, especially when it relates to "forgive and forget". Are we supposed to forgive and forget? Does letting go of resentments mean forgetting too?

We know that walking in forgiveness is healthy spirituality. Evidently, it also aids in physical health as well:

High HRV (heart rate variability) has been associated with heart health, while low HRV has been associated with illness. ... One critical piece of HRV is forgiveness. By holding on to hurts and anger, you lower your HRV and increase your own chances for heart problems. Learning to let go and forgive those who hurt you is one way to allow your heart's rhythm room to expand. (Dr. Daniel Amen)

Sometimes it's hard to release forgiveness and let go of resentments because we confuse letting go with forgetting. I'm not sure we are supposed to forgive and forget. If we forget we may be doomed to return to old patterns and lose the lesson we were supposed to learn in the first place.

I think the main point is that when we do remember offenses done to us or ones we've committed ourselves, it doesn't hurt quite as much as it used to. When we remember adn it hurts less, that's a sign that we are healing and participating in a process of healthy recovery.

Remember that forgivenss is not always about the other person. It's ultimately about us and our own spiritual liberation. When we resent others, we incarcerate ourselves not the other person.

I like this quote from Fr. Richard Rohr:

So do not waste time hating mom and dad, hating the church, hating America, hating what has disappointed you. In fact, don't hate anything. You become so upset with the dark side of things that you never discover how to put the dark and the light together, which is the heart of wisdom, all love, and the trademark of a second half of life person. 

Release the hate.

Release the resentment.

Extend forgiveness.

Remember the lessons learned.

Welcome the dark with the light.

It's part and parcel of the spiritual journey. Not always easy, but always worth it.

Anthropologist Helen Fisher on the Brain and Love

I am fascinated by the neurology of the brain and how it affects cognition, emotion, volition, and spirituality. 

I am also fortunate enough to work during the week at an organization that uses brain scans to assist in the treatment of addiction and other co-occurring disorders. I get to speak to doctors and researchers on a fairly regular basis on how neuroscience influences spiritual health and vice verse. 

The following video from TED features Anthropologist Helen Fisher talking about the neurological basis of sexual desire, romantic love, and longterm attachment. She discusses why we love as a species and its sociological function of propogating our kind. Her research is interesting because it included MRI brain scans.

Here are few things that I found interesting in her talk I've simplified some of the ideas to make it more understandable for me. :)

• Romantic love is not an emotion. It is a drive. It is the same kind of rush that a person gets when doing cocaine as it heightens dopamine in the brain. (I find this interesting as most of the upper class crack addicts I work with frequent escorts or multiple partners when smoking crack cocaine.)
• Sexual drive leads to romantic love which leads to longterm attachment love. 
• Attachment love evolved to allow the individual to tolerate the other individual over a long period of time. This ensured the posibility of rearing the next generation.
• Longterm use of anti-depressants elevate serotonin and suppress dopamine. This suppression of dopamine actually suppresses the sex drive and the ability to fall in love which in turn impedes the subsequent ability to attach to another over a long amount of time. Shortterm use of antidepresssants to stabilize the individual is probably best.
• She concludes by saying happiness is something we work out over a lifetime and not a given. [I often teach my clients that in America we believe in the right to pursue happiness (Jefferson in the Constitution) which is very different than the right to be happy. Happiness is a by-product of a life lived according to healthy spiritual principles. It's a reward or by-product and not a given right!]
• Fisher contends that the 21st Century will see and may already be seeing greater marriage equality due to partners being more equal. She says that arranged marriages will be a thing of a past due to greater equality in the workplace which produces greater equality in the home.

The video is 23 minutes so watch this when you have some time to really listen.

   

Boomers and Addiction

My friend Suzanne Boyd at CBS12 did a fantastic story profiling the rise of addiction among Baby Boomers. She featured the Hanley Center where I work in Spiritual Care. Take a look at her touching report Face of Addiction here:

 

Divorce in the Case of Alzheimer's

If you haven't seen this, it's worth watching.

This is a horrifying and accurate example of the logical outworking of fundamentalism. Following rigid rules becomes more important than principles of care and compassion for people. In the end, one becomes unable to follow one's own moral code and vows. Religious hypocrisy at its finest!

I hope Christian leaders come out and publicly condemn such irresponsible statements. 

Cue Rev. Robertson:

 

So what say you?  Do you agree with his statements? Are people with Alzheimer's figuratively "dead" so the other spouse is justified in divorcing and finding another partner? Are you okay with this kind of thinking?

Developing Self-Esteem

The following is a tool compromised from various sources that helps people struggling with self-esteem issues arising from shame or trauma. I'm submitting it here for your use and benefit.

You are alive and all you have is this moment! It's important to recognize that.  It’s also very important to remember that just as trauma, hurts, and pain came to your life over a period of time, your healing and recovery are a process, not an event.  Give yourself permission—and adjust your expectations—to take that into consideration. 

Water, Words, and Power

A core spiritual principle which transcends religious traditions is the idea that the intention behind our words can carry great power.

With words we build up or tear down, we heal or we destroy. A word spoken in the right way at the right time can shift people, places, and things into a more desired state of being.

This video shows how words morph the molecular structure of water and how our bodies might respond organically as well. Perhaps this is how prayer and meditation--when practiced in a positive way--facilitate recovery, healing, and yes, miracles too.