The other day I was with a friend who was struggling with secrets. These secrets were held in place by fear of what others might think and shame about what would happen if people found out. The result was self-loathing that sounded something like this:
I don't deserve to be happy.
I'm not good enough.
It's all my fault.
I'll end up alone.
Because of this I'm a bad person.
Ironically, his 'secrets' were not as insidious as one might think. The world built up in his head was far more dangerous that the world in actuality.
In spite of all of his fear he was expressing to me his desire to live honestly and more authentically. But he found the narrow views in his religious, social, and family circles did not foster an atmosphere of openness and acceptance. He knew that if he shared even with close friends in those circles, he would be judged or shamed. He also knew that if he shared freely his opinions on certain issues, he might in turn be rejected by those around him.
My grandfather once said to me, "If you don't want people to know something, don't tell them." He had a point.
Unfortunately though, there are some things in life we must share or they become an insatiable cancer eating away at our souls, destroying us from within.
We hold ourselves in bondage to unrealistic standards of perfection. Ralph Waldo Emerson wrote, "There is a crack in everything God has made." We forget that it's ok to be human, to be imperfect, to have some cracks.
Sadly, my friend's situation is the case for much of our world. People shy away from being known for who they really are. Worse yet, when one decides to live honestly, other people's dishonesty and unresolved issues get reflected in the authentic one's transparency. The result can be further relational upheaval. You see, it takes courage to live honestly.
Healthy and appropriate honesty breaks down walls of isolation, fortified by shame and fear. It's true: we are only as sick as our secrets.
That's why it's important to have a few people with whom we can be transparent and not fear being judged, shamed, condemned, or manipulated.
I was reading this morning the following in the NACR Daily Meditation for Wednesday, July 7, 2010:
Lord, help me to build relationships that sustain honesty.
Give me friends who will love me enough to tell me the truth.
Help me to pay attention to correction.
Give me the courage to see myself clearly.
Keep me from shame and self-loathing.
Give me the openness to correction that makes change possible.
Amen.
(Copyright Dale and Juanita Ryan)
My friend's dilemma inspired me to share some of my own secrets this week with a couple of close friends. The secrets were not too insidious, salacious, or devilish. One of my priestly confidantes responded, "It's good to say things out loud sometimes before they become too normal."
It felt really good to talk freely. It was walking out the principle the Apostle James wrote about in the First Century: confess your faults to each other so that you can be healed.
Living honestly before my own conscience, close friends, and the universe allows me to live free from shame, fear, and self-loathing.
Truly, it's a better way to live. It's the beginning of self-love which enables me to in turn love others.
Who are the safe people with whom you can live honestly?
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