I Was Bullied

I was bullied in school. Up until my junior year. I've hesitated to tell some of my story because I didn't want to sound bitter or resentful. I also was a little fearful. But I've been through enough healing that I'm not afraid to speak out anymore.

The writer Anne Lamott tweeted last week (April 23), "You own everything that happened to you. Tell your stories. If people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should've behaved better." I think she's right. So I'm telling my story.

While I had many friends and was popular and well-liked, there were a few guys who taunted me, mocked me, calling me 'fag' or 'gay' or anything that was not as tough as they were. They talked down to me and made me feel small.

Truth is, I was small-framed. Sensitive heart. Pretty smart. But I couldn't keep up with the jocks. Those guys made me feel so inadequate. I tried to counteract their words but wasn't strong enough on my own, so I internalized the words and never adequately processed them with someone who could help.

Oh, I would put on a strong face. In fact, I was so strong that in my Christian, private, prep school I was voted "Most Inspirational Christian" more than once. I came across the awards just a few weeks ago. While the awards were affirming, they also didn't feel quite right.

I found them ironic because I didn't really embrace the Christianity that surrounded me there. It was outer-focussed, full of judgment and certitudes, fearful, rigid, not much grace, tinged with vitriol and intolerance. I couldn't always believe in the God they exemplified and taught. In fact, when I started there in the eighth grade, Pentecostal and charismatic kids were ridiculed by the predominant, Baptist-type faith. I was told one day in the tenth grade that I was demon-possessed because I had a prayer language. My religious experience in this school left me thinking that surely there must be more. 

I remember an instance in a religion/Bible class my junior year. We had an exchange student who moved from Europe. She was Catholic and learning English. She was different than us but she was now one of us. She was our peer and friend.

I remember the Bible teacher telling her that Catholics go to hell. I sat there stunned. How could a teacher use his authority to condemn a sixteen-year-old girl to eternal torment and suffering? Especially when she was just learning the language and culture and had no clue as to the religion being espoused. It didn't make sense then and it certainly doesn't now.

So at times high school was a religiously-hostile environment. I'm sure many kids just shrugged it off. But it damaged my spirit. I hardened my heart in different ways in order to survive. My senior year I just wanted to go on our trip to Europe and then get out of that place. It was not always very safe for me, spiritually or socially. I mean, how could I trust a teacher to help me with bullying when some teachers were condemning kids to hell?

The few guys previously mentioned used to mockingly sing-song my name "Jonnnnathannnn" in a mouse-y voice. It was so embarrassing for me. For a while I even became ashamed of my name. I had always been proud of my name because I was named for the Biblical friends Jonathan and David. I thought that was cool and connected me to something grand in the past. But they made me feel my name was foolish. I preferred Jon for a while because I thought it might not sound as stupid or worse yet, as gay.

I've never told anyone that.

The way they treated me stung. I used to dread walking in the restroom or locker room and finding them there because I knew they'd start in. Terror would feel my heart. I internalized the pain for years. I was too ashamed to reach out for help. I thought it better to put on a strong face and not let the words cut. But they still cut so I turned to my faith. However, words linger even when we seek refuge in faith. If not shared with someone safe, toxic words continue to poison the psyche long after they are spoken.

It would be years later until I could release them.

Sometimes, I'm still not sure I fully have. I used to wish bad things for those guys. I hoped that karma would get them. That they would be impotent. Or in unhappy marriages. Or living miserable lives. I wanted revenge but, alas, vengeance was not mine to be had.

Forgiveness was the only option. My hurt and resentment were only hurting me.

A few years after college, I ran into one of them in the mall. He was not very happy with his life. I listened to him, and I knew in my heart it was time to forgive and let go. I'm sure he didn't recall the teasing but for me, I walked away feeling better because I didn't wish him ill anymore.

You see, forgiveness takes time. Releasing shame takes time. Therapy and healing prayer help. Cooperating with the process of life is key too. Things somehow come full circle and how we respond makes all the difference for our future.

Shame also takes time to heal. It is toxic and goes deep. That's what bullying can cause: SHAME. 

My scenario is still happening to countless youth across the country. I'm pretty much over it. But I know that does not help those who get bullied everyday or the many young people who are taking their lives because they feel they can't go on. 

So today I commit my voice to stand up for those who are being bullied.   

That's why I speak out. Because we've had enough of bullying, enough of fear, enough of shame. 

No more shame. No more fear. No more bullying.  

If you are being bullied, I've been there. and I came out just fine. You will as well. Reach out for help, even if it's on-line. You are not in this alone. This too shall pass.

For the rest of us, let's give a voice to those who feel theirs doesn't count. Stand up, speak out. Our children are dying. Some on the inside, and others literally.

Enough already! We've reached a tipping point in this country. Our schools and school buses must become safer places. Churches and synagogues too.

There's an invitation of grace for us to reach out, love, and heal. Will you heed the call? 

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Comments

[Jonathan Benz]

I'm getting loads of private messages in response to this post. Some of these stories are heart-wrenching but most are full of healing. Really, really beautiful healing testimonies that are coming my way.

Have had several hundred hits on this in the last 24 hours. I hope to be able to share some of these private testimonials in an anonymous, safe form.

[A Facebook User]

Well said. Glad you shared.

I was bullied from 2nd grade right up until my sophomore year of High School. I share some of that story in my video at the bottom of this post. It was definitely a terrifying and awful experience which in some ways I am not completely over.

[Jonathan Benz]

Thanks for sharing your experience and for posting your article. A friend in Wales sent it to me on Twitter earlier this afternoon. I encourage everyone to click on "this post" above.