I've watched with interest this weekend the retraction of Brian Williams and subsequent reaction from media outlets. His misremembering of an event twelve years ago left us thinking something different than what he reported.
Many have been quick to run to judgment. Few have been quick to identify with him. Anne Lamott did today on her Facebook status update. I was relieved that someone else was echoing my inner musings, so thought it time to chime in here.
MY PERSONAL MORAL INVENTORY
This morning I found myself doing some personal Step 4 work around where I'm not completely honest. My daily moral inventory left me thinking, I'm not so different than Mr. Williams. I sometimes embellish a story or may leave people coming to a conclusion that might be slightly more spectacular than the current reality. After all, we love a fabulous story, now don't we? (Not to mention, fabulous people.)
COMMON HUMANITY
Kristin Neff, associate professor at the University of Texas, Austin, touches on this in her comments on common humanity. I've spent a lot of time thinking about her ideas and have even taught on them, since coming across them through the work of Brené Brown about a year ago.
Common humanity is essentially the idea that we are all in the same boat on this planet, therefore we all share the same basic struggles. It's the idea that at our core, we all share the same flaws and imperfections. This understaning allows us to find compassion for others and in turn, hopefully discover self-compassion.
The ego (or as St Paul called it 'the flesh') would be quick to throw stones at Mr. Williams, contending, "I"m not like him" or "I'm not that bad." The truth of the matter is, we all really are just like Brian. We are that bad. We possess the ability as human beings to embellish a little, distort the facts, and let our listeners draw a different conclusion.
Notice I didn't say "lie". Most of us on a good day wouldn't tell an outright lie. But we would, however, omit some facts. These simple omissions put us in a better light and probably stem from the same basic insecurities that most humans feel of: "I'm not good enough", "I'm not worthy enough", and "I'm not lovable."
IT ALL COMES BACK TO SHAME
These deep-rooted shame-tapes are probably both learned and inherited in our psycho-emotional DNA. We get some combination of them from just existing on this planet. As I often tell my clients,"Welcome to Planet Earth. If you find the perfect planet, please don't move there because you'll screw it up for the rest of us before we can get there and do it ourselves."
You see, wherever we go, there we are. We carry all our imperfections, flaws, propensities, and delusions with us. One thing I've learned, the common denominator in all of my problems is me.
Left to itself, this understanding is bad news and indeed reason to castigate myself anymore. I am usually pretty good at judging myself pretty harshly, ignoring the moral imperative of Jesus of Nazareth to "judge not, lest you be judged." (Yeah, that wasn't a suggestion but a diving command to not judge others, including myself.)
I'm really good at beating myself up, ruminating on issues, reminding myself that I'm not perfect. This line of thought generally gets me nowhere, and I think in the end opens new doors of self-justification, excuse-making, and denial, thereby impairing my ability to be honest in much the way that happened with Mr. Williams. I'm really no different than he.
So why do we find his comments and actions so disturbing? I think at the core it strikes us as a violation of the ideal of authenticity. As humans, we cherish authentic living. We find it refreshing to hear the stories of those who've faced their own demons and somehow still managed the crazy. We admire that and want it for ourselves.
MANAGE THE CRAZY
As my friend Misi and I were saying the other day, you gotta manage the crazy. We all understand that but doing it successfully is a whole other brave endeavor.
Mr. Williams inadvertently reminded us that we do not always manage our personal crazy. Our egos omit details, embellish, and make ourselves look more amazing than we really are. Our egocentric selves hate the fact that he got caught and had to come clean, because we fear the same might happen to us some day.
After all, everything in this Twenty-first century Internet age nearly everything is recorded. We love our selfies and fabulous on-line, social media existences but deeply fear our authentic selves--even though that's where life is found in more abundance, truth-telling warts and all.
So like Anne, I'm not throwing stones this weekend. I'm choosing to look at the man in the mirror and be a little more forgiving and honest about my humanity, embellishments, and omissions. I'm re-affirming my commitment to authentic living, appropriate transparency, common humanity, and self-compassion. I'm going to tell on myself a little bit more and take feedback from the people who've earned the right to hear my story.
It's starts at home. This glass house can't handle another stone.
