My latest interview on The Rabbi Jenny Show
We were a little wound up for this one!
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Posts categorized "Books"
Tuesday, 02 February 2016
Sunday, 31 January 2016
Book Review on The Recovery-Minded Church
Book Review from Dr. Henry Virkler, Palm Beach Atlantic University: “The Recovery-Minded Church: Loving and Ministering to People with Addiction by Jonathan Benz with Kristina Robb-Dover, (2016, InterVarsity Press, Downers Grove, Illinois)
Rarely have I read a book that articulates God’s will for the church so well that I wish every pastor and church leader (e.g., elder, deacon, etc.) would read it. Drawing from the parable of the Prodigal Son in Luke 16, Jonathan reminds us that we are all Prodigals in need of saving, and the church’s response should be modeled after the Father’s heart as he warmly embraced his son and welcomed him back into the family.
While the book is primarily addressed to helping the church develop a set of attitudes and practices that love and minister to the person who is recovering from alcohol addiction, Jonathan also describes the other kinds of addictions that Christians struggle with–prescription or illicit drug abuse, sex and love addictions, compulsive exercising, food addictions, shopping and hoarding addictions, technology and Internet addictions, and workaholism. By some estimates, these various addictions affect as many as 30% of the population, and so a recovery-minded church could minister to many of these others as well.
Ministering to substance abusers is much more than allowing an AA meeting to occur in the basement of the church. Many of the people who attend these meetings would never feel comfortable coming upstairs and joining in the worship of the church, and the response of many of the members upstairs, especially to those in the early stages of recovery, might more closely resemble that of the older brother than the response of the Prodigal’s father.
Benz draws from deep personal experience. Many years ago his father, a pastor, attended an AA meeting even though he was not a substance abuser, and was so struck with the message of the 12 Steps that he realized that he, and every Christian could profit from working those steps, and he fostered a church that encouraged practicing the 12 Steps for everyone, becoming a church body that embraced those who were struggling with recovery. Both Jonathan and his co-author Kristina have been involved in pastoral ministry. Jonathan is also a trained professional counselor who has been involved in substance abuse treatment for many years, an experience from which he richly draws.
This book draws extensively from Scripture, and helped me to see how frequently God calls us to become a recovery-minded church that is open to and welcomes those who are struggling with various addictions and other life-controlling problems. It begins with changing our and our fellow church-member’s attitudes. Jonathan then gives highly practical steps that allow the church to demonstrate those attitudes through ministries that allow those who are struggling to become honest and transparent about their struggles. He gives clear guidance on what not to say and do, as well as equally clear guidance on the variety of ways churches can become a church that is seen as welcoming to those who are returning prodigals. He does not spell out one program for all churches, because he realizes that different churches may find one kind of program more appropriate in their context than another.
The book is thoroughly documented so the reader knows the writers and research that Jonathan and Kristina are drawing from. It also has appendices that give much helpful information about programs from which any church can obtain further information.
This book reminded me again about what God calls the church to be: unfortunately I think our behavior and attitudes more closely resembles that of the self-righteous older brother (whom Jonathan reminds us needed saving as much as his Prodigal brother). As a result, many of those with any of these addictions would never feel comfortable sharing the fact that they are struggling with their church family. As I said at the beginning of this review, I wish every pastor and church leader would read this book and re-think their ministry in light of what they learn. I believe by so doing we would help our churches to become closer to the ministry God calls us to be.
Saturday, 26 September 2015
The Recovery-Minded Church: Loving and Ministering to People with Addiction
I'm excited to announce the release of my new book The Recovery-Minded Church: Loving and Ministering to People with Addiction, which will be released during the upcoming Holiday Season from InterVarsity Press.
The Recovery-Minded Church offers a clinically-informed, theological framework for Christians challenged with how to relate to people with addiction. Each chapter is followed by useful discussion questions.
The book is already receiving some very positive reviews that you can read here.
I'm grateful to my friend and colleague Kristina Robb-Dover who contributed. Without her assistance, this project would not have been possible.
You can pre-order the book from InterVarsity Press or also at Amazon and Barnes and Noble.
Monday, 23 March 2015
If you are in the Miami area this Sunday, stop by.
Saturday, 21 February 2015
The Most Spiritual Thing You Can Do
I've long been a fan of Anne Lamott. Her books speak to my soul and cause me to live from my higher self. I'm grateful for her voice and writings.
One of my favorite memories with Anne is being in North Eleuthera, Bahamas years ago reading one of her books out-loud to my friend Misi. We had no TV so an even better pastime was to read Anne and laugh together and yes, share some meaningful sighs, touching soul to soul, deep calling to deep as the Good Book says.
I came across this interview through her Facebook feed and wanted to share her wit and wisdom.
She states in it: "It's the most spiritual thing you can do to touch another person."
That truth slows my frenetic mind down and reminds me that the people around me daily are worth hearing, worth connecting with, worth touching. It reminds me to hear deeply and with understanding.
Sometimes this is hard for me--especially when I go to church. My home church is so accepting and very touch-feely. They hug a lot, and people generally want to reach out and connect, hug, and give a holy kiss on the cheek.
I'm generally good with that but sometimes there are ones who come up behind and connect when I'm not expecting. At that point, it's like my inner New Yorker wants to reach out and visit them with a five-fingered blessing across the face. Sometimes my friends laugh at my startled response, and I've often questioned why it is people want to connect when I least it expect it and why it unsettles me so.
I think it's because we all carry a deep need to connect with another human being in a meaningful way. When we see someone that we think carries something meaningful, we want to connect with them in whatever way possible.
So my challenge in being more empathetic to others is allowing them to connect, even when it may not be the most comfortable for me. This means moving beyond my ultra-sensitivities and seeing their need. Because at the end of the day, their need is the same as mine: the desire to touch another human being in a meaningful and most spiritual way.
Tuesday, 03 June 2014
The Daring Way™
A few years ago I came across the Ted Talk by Brené Brown on shame and vulnerability.
Her talk immediately resonated with me, and I posted it on this blog. I also ordered her books and began utilizing her ideas in therapy.
I breathed a prayer that I could sit under her tutelage some day. I don't normally "follow after" people but her research on shame, vulnerability, authenticity, and telling one's story was so transformative for me it led me to tell my own personal story on bullying.
Telling that story released a whole new level of personal healing in my life as well as restoration of relationships. That story also helped many others heal as evidenced by hundreds of blog hits, re-posts, and private emails I received.
So I was very thrilled when early this year my parent company, Elements Behavioral Health, flew me and a few colleagues to San Antonio to be trained in The Daring Way™.
I was able to be trained by Brené and her faculty over five days. It was a wonderful experience. I got to speak to her personally and can assure you she is as real as she appears in the Ted Talk or on Oprah's Super Soul Sunday. I am now a candidate as a Certified Daring Way Facilitator and should be fully certified by autumn.
I strongly recommend her books to you. I have shared them with family and friends. I am now utilizing The Daring Way™ in therapy and seeing huge breakthroughs in my clients.
I continue to make my own personal applications. It takes great courage to become vulnerable and tell our stories but it is a sure path to greater wholeness, healing, and joy.
I encourage you to try it.
Sunday, 01 June 2014
A Friendship Blessing for Anam Ċara
I've been reading the book Anam Ċara by John O'Donohue. Perhaps more than reading, I've been studying it. The book is full of quotes and insights that speak to my intellect as well as my soul.
O'Donohue was a priest, poet, and teacher of Celtic spirituality. He died a few years back. My Irish friends turned me on to him a couple of years ago, and I've posted his YouTube video here on this blog before.
His approach to God and life really resonates with me. He writes and speaks with a rhthym that reminds me of Buddhist teacher Thich Nhat Hahn. I feel very connected when I meditate on his writings.
In Gaelic, anam means soul and ċara means friend. Literally translated it is "soul friend". In the Celtic tradition an anam ċara could be a teacher, friend, leader, or someone with whom you'd share the inner parts of your life. These are the people who see clearly into our souls and do not condemn but love, reflect, and embrace.
These are the people whom you meet on your journey and there is an instant spiritual connection when two souls meet and you know you are tasting something of the eternal beyond the confines of mere rational thought, time, or space. Eternal knowing invades the present moment.
I've been blessed to connect with several anam ċara on my journey. O'Donohue wrote the following poem which really expresses well for me, these who are part of my spiritual tribe:
A Friendship Blessing
May you be blessed with good friends.
May you learn to be a good friend to yourself.
May you be able to journey to that place in your soul where
there is great love, warmth, feeling, and forgiveness.
May this change you.
May it transfigure that which is negative, distant, or cold in you.
May you be brought in to the real passion, kinship, and affinity of belonging.
May you treasure your friends.
May you be good to them and may you be there for them;
may they bring you all the blessing, challenges, truth,
and light that you need for your journey.
May you never be isolated.
May you always be in the gentle nest of belonging with your anam ċara.
O'Donohue wrote, "A friend is a loved one who awakens your life in order to free the wild possibilities within you." These are the ones I want to be surrounded by!
I pray the same blessing for you today. May you be surrounded by many good soul friends who "get" you and you "get" them. May you be so awakened that you are freed to fly with the wild possibilities within you!
Sunday, 01 September 2013
Summer of Study on Theology, Gender, and Sexuality
This blog has lain fallow this summer as I've been involved in an intensive study on theology, gender, and sexuality. The Reformation Project seeks to reform the Church's teachings on these subjects.
As a participant in TRP, I've read now over 1000 pages (really fine print too!) and been part of online discussions with 49 other Reformers from across North America. We've read pros and cons and looked at extant sources as well as more Greek and Hebrew words than I ever thought possible. If you're interested in this subject, a recommended read would be James Brownson's book Bible, Gender, Sexuality.
I've learned a lot but the one take-away for me has been a deeper understanding that the way the Church has taught these issues has been shaped more by popular religious culture than by a clear understanding of what the Hebrew and Greek manuscripts say in their proper, historical context.
In my opinion, these theological errors preached from some pulpits and television studios have made the Message of the Good News only good for certain varieties of Christians and actually pretty bad news for those that remain.
My intention had been to blog different insights all summer but the intensity has not allowed me to. Instead, you will probably hear bits and bobs in future posts, as I move forward with the new information and insights I've received.
Until then, enjoy your Labor Day Weekend in the US, and wherever else you are on God's green earth, be blessed!
Friday, 11 January 2013
Thursday, 29 November 2012
Perfectionism and Shame
I have battled various forms of perfectionism for most of my life.
In high school, my room was immaculate with each hanger equidistant in the closet. That later changed when I had a messy roommate in college. When living with a slob, one eventually succumbs to the inevitable, downward spiral of the uninhibited and carefree.
But the perfectionism still manifested in different ways. Overachieving. Strict standards of personal accomplishment. The best grades. Precise speech (in several different languages, of course). Perfect dress.
I think the first sign of it was probably when I was about seven-years-old. My parents had signed me up for soccer. I remember the first match. I had no idea what was going on and got a scorching sunburn. Instead of figuring out the game and applying more sunscreen, I retreated and gave up. I was too afraid of not succeeding again. I couldn't play perfectly, so I might as well not play at all. Failure was not an option, so I opted out.
MASKED FEAR OF FAILURE
Perfectionism is masked fear of failure, rooted in shame.
While we might be born with a propensity for shame, I believe it is primarily learned. We learn it at home, in the classroom, on the playground, or in the pew.
We can spend a long time trying to figure out how or why it came. Sometimes, it's just best to recognize that it did indeed come. Accepting it's reality in our lives is the first step to overcoming it.
SHAME IS DIFFERENT THAN GUILT
We also must recognize that shame is different than guilt. Guilt is when we feel bad about what we've done. A little bit is healthy. It causes us to change our lives. It reminds us we still have a conscience.
Too much guilt is toxic. It morphs into shame. We shift from feeling bad about what we've done to feeling bad about who we are. That's what shame is: feeling bad about who we are.
Guilt is connected to behavior. Shame is connected to identity. We feel fundamentally flawed, broken, or unworthy. We don't feel good enough, worthy enough, or lovable enough.
That's why I'm not a big fan of guilt or shame. It's over-rated. I recommend giving it up. Especially the Catholic guilt. Baptist guilt. Jewish guilt. Pentecostal guilt. Or the guilt from your mama. It's completely counterproductive to a healthy spiritual life.
STOP THE NEVER-ENDING CYCLE
Shame is challenging to heal. It takes time. Time to recognize it, and time to confront it.
Remember, perfectionism in our lives is a sign that shame is lurking below the surface.
Perfection is a compensatory, coping skill that will sound something like this: "I feel so bad about this thing so I have to be perfect and over-the-top in this other thing to make up for how terrible I feel about the first thing."
Perfectionism never works because we will always come up short. When we come up short, the feelings of shame then intensify, and we feel even more shameful. So it's a never-ending cycle.
For me, confronting and changing perfectionistic behaviors is key. Breaking myself of all-or-nothing, absolutist thinking is also important. Understanding that I am more than good enough, completely worthy, and unconditionally loved are also of paramount importance.
I endeavor to live in a perpetual state of grace, and that isn't always easy. Yet, it's always beneficial.
ENEMY OF THE PEOPLE
One of my favorite contemporary writers is Anne Lamott. She has the following to say in Bird by Bird: Some Instructions on Writing and Life:
Perfectionism is the voice of the oppressor, the enemy of the people. It will keep you cramped and insane your whole life, and it is the main obstacle between you and a shitty first draft. I think perfectionism is based on the obsessive belief that if you run carefully enough, hitting each stepping-stone just right, you won't have to die. The truth is that you will die anyway and that a lot of people who aren't even looking at their feet are going to do a whole lot better than you, and have a lot more fun while they're doing it.
I love that. Perfection is our enemy. Shame is our enemy. They keep us locked in insanity. I have to remind myself of that when I start feeling insane.
Perfectionism (aka masked shame) will keep you from enjoying your life to the fullest, while others are having an awesome time.
Last I checked, none of us get out of this alive. So why not start giving up perfectionism and shame today? Your rigid standards make life difficult for those around you and ultimately are destroying the beauty of what makes you, you. But at the end of the day, you are the one who suffers the most from your unattainable perfection.
I dare you to spend a few minutes being imperfect. I challenge you to allow yourself to be human. Color outside the lines. Take a risk. Give yourself permission to mess up a little!
When we live in the place of grace, I'm not sure that we can ever entirely mess up. We are able to recover from most things in life. There's always sufficient grace to get us through.
I think it was intended to be that way all along. I'm just glad to know it now.
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