JonathanBenz.com

Who Tells My Story

I saw Hamilton: An American Musical last night. 

There's a fantastic song called: "Who lives, Who dies, Who tells your story".

It spoke to me as I've been contemplating personal story-telling the last few weeks. It's something I believe in, and I think my best and most meaningful writing comes from this place of vulnerability.

Yet, I struggle with the vulnerability of story-telling. What if people judge? What if they don't like it? What if what I have to say bothers those close to me? What if I open myself up to too much criticism? What if I say too much?

These are the inherent risks of story-telling. They are also the risks that make for great writing, personal transformation, as well as an ability to touch deeply the heart of others.

I also contemplate what kind of mark I am making on my world. Especially on this, my birthday, I'm grateful for the people who've reached out to me with kind words and expressions of gratitude for the role I've played in their lives. That means so much to me. It reminds me to keep being my authentic self and to live out loud because people need what I have to say and give.

I believe one of the best ways I can make a mark is through the vulnerability of telling my story. Knowing that I control the narrative helps an awful lot.

I haven't always felt like I controlled the narrative--especially when I worked directly in the religious world. There were people who liked to gossip, malign, and revel in the humanity of others--even my own. (I've often said some of the meanest people I met were those who thought they spoke for God.) I sometimes suffered due to the words said about me and my family. But now I believe much of that suffering was perhaps not-so-necessary.

You see, the words that others say about us really don't mean a lot in the end. Words of criticism come and go, but they only last if we give them power. The words of people who didn't like what I represented then or now don't really matter in the end because I control the narrative with my actions and staying power. (And God knows I got staying power!)

This is the good news: we have the final word by how we live our lives as well as by the community we choose to surround ourselves with. On this birthday I'm grateful even for the criticisms of years past because it has spurred me on to stand in my truth with less fear of what others think.

Those criticisms and indictments against me have caused me to surround myself with people who love and accept me, no matter what stage of my journey I'm on. Those are the ones who truly matter.

There's a Tibetan saying that goes: Wherever you have friends that's your country, and wherever you receive love, that's your home. I'm grateful for the diverse community that surrounds me with friendship and love. Those are the ones I call my spiritual country and home.

Now the truth of the matter is that not everyone is your particular country or home. Not everyone is in the game with you. The armchair quarterbacks who sit on the sidelines lecturing you how to play ultimately don't matter. They aren't in your game so don't give their words credence. Listen to those who are laboring with you, struggling with you, and journeying with you through life's ups and downs.

But having said that, armchair quarterbacks do give me two kinds of gifts. First, they remind me to only listen to those who are fully in the game with me. Their other gift to me is that they give me courage to find my voice.

Part of finding my voice means decrying oppression and discrimination in its many forms and manifestations: racism, misogyny, islamophobia, anti-semitism, homophobia, transphobia, ethnocentrism, nationalism, even false piety and platitudes that condescend others. Finding my voice is speaking and acting on behalf of those who do not have a voice. 

In fact, I believe we have a great moral responsibility to publicly renounce the words of those who preach oppression and discrimination against other groups of people. Kindness, compassion, and empathy compel us to do so. The teachings of peace and non-violence as exampled through Jesus, Ghandi, Dr. King, Rosa Parks, Nelson Mandela, Archbishop Tutu, the Dalai Lama, Malala Yousafzai, and so many others past and present compel us to do so.

Moreover, our conscience compels us.

So I will continue to live courageously with authenticity and vulnerability. I will also speak out and tell my story. Because in the end, that's how we make a difference.

5 Social Media Survival Tips in a Trumpian Universe

I've been un-friending and un-following a lot recently, and it's not exactly as one might think.

While I lean to the liberal end of the spectrum and am definitely not pro-Trump, I have tried to keep people in my social media circle who think differently than me. I understand that not everyone who disagrees with me is necessarily "less than".  

If I surround myself with people who think just like me, I'll never be challenged. And if I'm never challenged, I'll never grow. So I like diversity of thought, even if I disagree with another's premise completely.

However, recently I have had to get rid of a few people on Facebook and Twitter. Name-calling and vulgar language is not the energy I want in my life. So when I see vitriol and intolerance on either side, I block. Period.

Here are some simple tips I'm finding helpful to navigate social media in a Trumpian universe:

• Only post from reputable sites. If it's a 100% right- or left-wing leaning news site I usually skip right over. I try to only post from more bi-partisan sites but occasionally I will post from MSNBC or Fox if I think it solid information or provocative and perhaps useful.
• If a social media friend gets hostile or offensive, I try not to call them out in public. I use private message and ask them to clarify.  I find that a better way to engage as no one enjoys a public scolding.
• Refrain from name-calling. It's easy to default to stereotyping people to "narrow-minded bigot" or "jigsaw liberal" (both epithets I saw recently online). I don't like to be demeaned so try not to demean others.
• Hold your ground--but in a more reserved way. If a post is open to discussion or debate, rebut with facts, not feelings. Emotion does not translate very well over the internet. I also never know with what kind of voice a person is reading my posts so I try to be less passionate and more factual. I also try to refrain from ALL CAPS and EXCLAMATION POINTS!!! It's just annoying, and makes me feel like I'm being lectured. 
• Assume nothing. When in doubt, ask "What do you mean by that?" Sometimes I jump to conclusions that the writer isn't intending. This happened recently with a friend who voted for Trump. I asked her to clarify why she believed the way she did. I also stated at the same time that I think she has integrity so I genuinely want to know and understand. Guess what? She replied with her reasoning. I still didn't agree, but I did leave our encounter with a better understanding of her point of view. We also retained our warm rapport.

I'd like to think that things are going to cool down politically, but I highly doubt it. So it's incumbent upon me to do my part in standing for justice and truth--as I see it--while still being polite to my neighbor. After all, we need more kindness in the world. I really think that's what could pull us through these very difficult, divisive times.

Some Post-Election Thoughts on Gratitude

I recently was invited to share some thoughts on "gratitude during difficult times" at Marble Collegiate Church in NYC. Marble has a rich history in the USA, founded in 1628 as well as the congregation of the great preacher and motivational speaker Norman Vincent Peale. 

Here is some of what I shared. It is helping me post-election as I prepare for Thanksgiving and the Holiday Season. (Please forgive the writing style as this was delivered via spoken word.)

I've been more conscientious recently about living from a place of gratitude. Mostly because this year I transitioned career paths and re-located back to NYC from Fort Lauderdale after being away for 7 years. It's been a big, exciting, thrilling, life change but it hasn't been without struggles along the way. 

Now one would think in my line of work that gratitude would just come naturally to me. I've worked in the religious world plus secular, clinical settings and people for a long while have looked to me for inspiration whether through writing, blogging, or speaking. I've even taught the spiritual practice of gratitude to patients in a residential healthcare setting.

But I've got news: for the most part, gratitude doesn't come naturally to me. I find it more often than not a choice.

I must choose to be grateful. I must choose to celebrate life. I must choose to live life intentionally and not be dictated by the winds of emotion. I'm wired emotionally and I sometimes find myself swept away when circumstances aren't lining up perfectly to my liking.

Emotions are a funny thing. I find they usually are not right or wrong--in a moral sense, that is. They are more markers or indicators of what may or may not be happening on a deeper level within me.

Sometimes emotions might be hormonally-induced and no indicator of outward circumstances at all.

Sometimes I wonder if they are influenced by the alignment of the planets spinning around us, exerting invisible, forceful pressure on us that's way out of our finite control.

I mean, did you see that Supermoon the other night?  Think about it: if the moon controls the tides of the oceans, who's to say that the planets can't also impact us internally? Is there a planet-soul connection to our existence? Boy, that would give me a good scapegoat when I'm in a particularly foul mood. You know, blame it on the moon!

Mostly though, I think emotions may be full-on indicators telling us to change our environment or challenging us to change ourselves. That, my friends, is more easily said than done.

That's why I think choosing to be grateful is so important. A positive affirmation or statement of thanks can help to shift dodgy emotions--especially when we enter the Holiday season and discover that our lives don't necessarily line up with the idyllic Christmas special on the Hallmark Channel.

I have a former colleague who lives this way. She's survived cancer, addiction, and the death of her son. And she would still smile at me when I see her and say, "It's a beautiful day, I'm alive!."

She reminds me that any day I'm alive is a beautiful day. And guess what? Any day that you are alive is a tremendously beautiful one too. That realization doesn't mean I'm going to feel great all the time. But it does mean that when I experience difficulty I can choose hope over despair, gratitude over grumbling, thankfulness over complaints. I've learned my complaints don't change my circumstances, they merely bring me down. And I prefer being up over being down. That's one of the reasons I've enjoyed Marble Church the last several months. When I'm down, the music, worship, and motivational preaching bring me up!

So I remind myself to be grateful. I remind myself to be thankful. Gratitude is the attitude that changes me internally so that I can navigate what's going around me externally. I choose gratitude today.

After all, it's a beautiful day, I'm alive!

And guess what? It's a beautiful day, and you are alive!

"I'm praying God elects my candidate (and so should you)"

My Facebook feed was littered with a lot more political posts than usual this morning.

One was an invitation to join an online prayer meeting to pray that Trump would win. A few posts later was a minister calling for people to pray that Hillary would win.  Right after that was a formerly-religious individual calling for the Religious Right to f-ck off. Then came a very devout Evangelical woman recruiting people to join the Trump Movement promising that God is going to use him bring a new-found freedom to America.

You know it's very important when you need God (and others) to back your cause!

But these diverse posts got me thinking:

• For people who believe that a higher power is involved in national affairs, is God taking sides?
• If prayer really works, then do the prayers for opposing candidates cancel each other out?
• How does someone know that God is actually on their side?
• If one's preferred candidate loses does that mean that evil won and their righteous cause(s) lost?
• Does God even become entangled in the political divisiveness of American society?
• Would God perhaps step back in disgust and have us sort it ourselves?
• For spiritual people, is their well-being and peace centered in the next President or in the meaningful faith they profess?

It's all become quite confusing at times--even disheartening. I don't have the answers to the above questions, but I have lamented with friends our inability to "do unto others as you would have them do unto you".

Do we really dare to "love our neighbors as ourselves" anymore? Or does that only happen after national tragedies?

I'm not sure how prayer plays into getting someone elected but I do know that if prayer doesn't result in a restful, peaceful spirit within me then it probably isn't going to work nationally either.

When we manipulate religion and spirituality to further our political agenda, we are missing the point. Meditation, reflection, contemplation, and prayer are first tools to transform me internally, not to further my agenda of changing others externally. I can't change another, but I can perhaps do the soul-searching work of changing myself and hope that others do the same too.

So I will continue to unfollow some and even unfriend when necessary. I also will thoughtfully consider and engage those with whom I disagree, as long as the tone remains civil and respectful.

I think that's how we become better as a people and as a society: showing kindness to another, one person at a time.

So by all means, share your convictions and vote. And of course, be kind to one another while doing so.

 

 

 

 

My Election Season Survival Tips

I've been following this wild and woolly campaign season fairly closely. I find myself getting completely caught up in it: feeling at times concerned, anxious, shocked, disgusted, frustrated, or any combination of the aforementioned.

 A few weeks ago I made some changes, realizing that this election isn't worth sacrificing my psycho-emotional well-being.

So with a little less than four weeks to go, here are my tips for surviving this election season:

1. Turn it off. I find myself watching various news outlets whenever I'm near the tv. I enjoy hearing the different political spins on the same story. But sometimes it's too much, and it's time to turn it off. Just because there's a television in the room doesn't mean it has to be on.
2. Put it down. My smart phone not only shows me political rants of Facebook friends, it also gives me headlines all throughout the day. I can get stuck in iPhone la-la land. When that happens, I put the phone down. I can always review my social media feeds at a later time.
3. Watch what you post as well as who sees it. While I've been fairly vocal to friends and family in person, I've been purposely silent on social media because I didn't want to engage in the contentious fray. There's tremendous diversity among my social media friends, and I haven't felt like debating acquaintances or people I rarely see (or have never met) face-to-face. I finally posted something political this last week and found myself judged and admonished by both conservatives and liberals alike. (Ain't nobody got time for that, especially me.)
4. Unfriend, unfollow. For me, I only receive rebukes from people who walk with me closely on my journey. These are the people who will call me out and then help me walk out positive change. If someone publicly and aggressively calls me out--and is not willing to follow up in private and in a non-snarky manner--I'm not interested in their feedback. I tell them as much and if they don't receive it, I put them on a limited viewing list--or better yet I unfollow. If they aren't open to collegial discussion, I unfriend. I don't need contentious people in my life from either side of the political aisle.
5. Watch what you say. I assume that most people think just like me; after all I'm brilliant and always right (sarcasm intended!). But it's also probably a little arrogant to think that people see things from my perspective. So unless I'm really sure I know the people I'm socializing with, I'm very careful what I say, and how I say it. I've found it's just not worth it. The climate is too explosive right now. Pausing and taking the perspective of my listeners helps me cultivate empathy. And if there's anything I think we need right now in America, it's more empathy.

Now having said all of this, I love a good debate. I really enjoy political discourse. It's been hard for me at times because I want to go on rants and raves. But I've found other people's rants and raves are not really changing my mind (nor are they producing much good within me). While rants might help me blow off emotional steam, I don't think they are really going to help change anyone's mind either. In fact, my emotional steam may even turn people off who agree with me.

At the end of the day, most people's minds are already made up. As much as I'd like, I probably won't change them.

So I'm doing my best to follow the Golden Rule this election season:

Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

For me that includes how I share, the timing, the tone, the content, and my intentions behind it. I think if we all do that a little bit more, we might get a long just a little better. 

 

For further ideas on this subject, read Bridging the Divide.

 

 

Helping Haiti Post-Matthew

I'm proud to say that four generations of my family have been helping Haiti in one form or another since 1955.

My first trip was over 30 years ago, and it tremendously impacted my worldview. I learned a few things:

• All of humanity is connected.
• Suffering can be alleviated.
• With great knowledge comes even greater responsibility.
• I can live a life committed to social justice.

Seven years ago we went to a village in the north of the country. At that time, the people were just not hungry, they were also thirsty. I had never seen the look of thirst in a person's eyes before. Hunger, yes. But thirst, no. It left a major impact on me.

After that, we were able to work with various individuals and organizations--including the mayor--to build a cistern for water and bring more sustainable farming to the community.

You can see photos here.

The bad news is this:

Hurricane Matthew put these farms under water, and 1000s of people are without food.

The good news is this:

My father had a trip already scheduled to go down this week. Donations have flooded in unsolicited. They will be able to feed 4000 children, women, and men meals of beans and rice for a week. They will also be able to survey the farms, meet with the mayor, and determine the best way forward.

In this tumultuous election season, I'm finding it's good to get my focus off contentious debate and reach out and help.

Please spread the word that there is help for Haiti, post-Matthew. If you'd like to make a tax-deductible donation, contact me at [email protected]. I can ensure that the funds get to the community in need.

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Responding to Grief and Tragedy in a Way that Brings Deeper Healing

I awoke this morning to my Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter feeds awash with people standing in solidarity with Paris. That is wonderful and reminds me of how connected we all are in our shared humanity.

I also awoke to a lot of political and religious commentary about Islam, the West, the Middle East, and white privilege.

What I have learned about grief is this: in the early stages the most helpful thing I can do is to feel the pain, shock, disbelief, anger, fear, helplessness, and sadness. I do that by standing with people in these complex emotions and simply recognizing the emotion, feeling it fully, and not judging it. 

That's because the most healing thing I can do initially is to feel fully. 

For me, entering into religious and political commentary too early--making conclusions about what we did/didn't do right--blocks that ability to feel, and thereby, blocks the necessary healing that feeling deeply brings.

This approach works better for me and enables me to come to more objective conclusions that are not colored by overwhelming emotion.

I believe it's normal to rush to political and religious conclusions--just not always helpful to the grieving process so early on.

Aggression, Intolerance, and Maniacal Thinking

In the last few days, we've seen a number of provocative comments from influential voices on the religious and political Right.

Franklin Graham called for an immediate halt of all Muslims immigrating to the US and for them to be treated the way Japanese and Germans were in WWII.

Then Donald Trump attacked John McCain and veterans in this country as less than heroic if they were captured as POWs. He never served in the Armed Services so this makes his criticism of our veterans all the more appalling. Here's his follow up response and some more of his rhetoric:

ABC US News | World News 

While these statements expand these men's voices in the American culture wars, enough is enough!

I do not identify as Evangelical in my faith or as conservative in my politics. These are not ideologies I espouse.  

Having said that, I do not think being Evangelical or conservative automatically makes one intolerant, misogynistic, homophobic, or anti-Muslim. I work and associate with politically and religiously conservative folks who are none of the above.

But these days I'm not sure it helps.

And that's a shame for the many thoughtful and intelligent people who get associated with this new brand of aggression, intolerance, and maniacal thinking.

 

Education in Haiti, An Appeal

This summer marks 30 years that I have been traveling to Haiti serving the poor. In fact, my grandfather first went to Haiti in 1955, so my family has rich history with this nation.

My last trip to Haiti was a year ago, and it was encouraging to see the economic progress in the northern city of Gonaïves where we have been concentrating our efforts:

• We have a positive relationship with local political leaders.
• New roads have been paved.
• Water cisterns have been built providing clean, potable water to the people.
• The school is doing very well and I'm told the children are learning English.
• A new hospital was just built behind our centre.

This is the latest update from my friend Pastor Irick St. Cyr in Gonaïves:

Finally, the school kids' parents have agreed on Friday to pay extra money to cover over 50% of the cost toward the school lunch while all my US sponsors declined assistance. We are only short about $ 300 a month. Please pray if you can help me with $200 a month. The well for the community potable water has furnished so much water, we are now able to collect extra money to pay the light bill for the pump itself and half of the school light bill.   

This news encourages me as the people are taking ownership of education--paying what they can afford--and the water potable systems are actually producing income to pay for the school electricity.

 

But as you can see, there is a shortfall of approximately $300 a month. The US sponsors were unable to come through.

Would you consider making a one-time or monthly donation to support our school? I have been there numerous times and can attest that education is making all the difference in the lives of these children. This is a work of integrity where your gifts are honored.

 

Your donations are tax-deductible. Please email me at j[email protected] and I can put you in touch with the appropriate US address to ensure the funds get there. Or you can utilize PayPal here. Just mention my name and that the funds are designated for the school. Thanks.