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Corona Diaries: My Re-Discovery of Meaning

The incoming, unpredictable tides shift the sandy grains of my mind. One moment I'm feeling as if I can do this, and a few moments later it's as if the shutdown shutting me down.

Such is my daily grind in recent weeks. I haven't felt like writing, and the creative juices have tasted mostly bitter, if even present at all.

I have had to mind my mood, but most days it feels like my mood is minding me. It's temperamental and petulant, impulsive and unpredictable. Just when I feel like I'm getting a grip, a wave of je ne sais quoi hits me and the relentless tide is pulling me out to stormy seas. And trust me, these seas are rough.

I wonder why I can't get a hold of myself, why I can't navigate these waters. After all, I understand mental health. I have fairly good coping skills and decent spiritual practices. I have dedicated most of my life to helping others navigate difficult times. So why can't I tame these lions roaring in my soul?

I am fairly convinced these lions don't want to be tamed. They prefer to roam my inner savanna, preying on my emotional vulnerability, devouring any mental stability.

Fifty-seven days into stay-at-home I'm basically just as mystified by this experience as I was at the beginning. What is going on? I ask myself. I feel frustrated and cantankerous--and this is on the better days. On the bad ones, keep your distance!

I've self-diagnosed myself with Pandemic Personality Disorder. I'm not sure who I am when I wake up or what day it is.  (To be clear, I lost the day of the week around Day 11, and I'm pretty sure, my solid sense of self around Day 18.)

One's interior world can be a dicey game. It takes exceptional coping skills to bounce back from the barrage of daily Twitter tirades, Facebook rants, media spin, and the mindless malaise that consumes most our days.

Mainly, we've lost our markers. We've lost our syncopated rhythm of life.  We can't gather for holidays, birthday celebrations, dinner parties, religious services, or nights-out-on-the-town. This loss of meaningful interactions is causing our souls to wander and wane.

Interiority longs for meaning, and the normal rites and rituals that produce meaning have been stripped of us. So we feel a profound loss, even though we can't always readily identify exactly what that loss is.

Psychologists call this ambiguous loss, the loss that occurs when we are denied a normal sense of ending, closure or resolve. We search for answers, and they are denied us. The longing and searching that results from ambiguous loss make us very, very weary.

The Irish poet John O'Donohue writes, When weariness becomes gravity, it destroys your natural soul protection. He says we become like Sisyphus of the underworld: condemned to an eternity of rolling the huge boulder up the hill, only to have it slip and come crashing back down, then doomed to repeat it again.

This weight of weariness has chipped against our natural soul protection. That's a big part of what we are feeling. We've lost some of our soul armor. It's been chipped away as the days melt into weeks, the weeks melt into months.

So I've set out to combat said weariness and fortify the walls of my inner castle. I've been giving back where I can: donating to food banks, delivering hot meals to shut-ins, and providing telephonic support to elders who are isolated home alone.

I am meditating more--sometimes with music, other times with a guided podcast.  I'm finishing the stack of unread books on the nightstand that have been beckoning the last year. I continue checking in with family and friends in urban as well as rural areas, because those in the heartland increasingly realize that what has faced us in NYC may now be lying in wait at their doorstep.

All this provides me meaning and the unexpected benefit of getting me out of my head.

In short, I've decided to make myself available--more available for service, support, and hopefully, some substance. Perhaps unlike Sisyphus, I can choose to not push that boulder up the hill. I can put down the weight of weariness by doing something different, creating meaningful moments on days threatened by meaningless. 

Today I awoke with the usual existential dread, but it rolled away as I moved about. Life wasn't as heavy as it was the day before. It awakened with new meaning.

Anxiety in the Age of Corona

The chest tightness triggers anxiety, and the anxiety increases the chest tightness. Spring allergies trigger asthma which triggers sneezing which triggers more anxiety and irrational fears of infection. And so it goes.

Five weeks of stay-at-home and an extension through mid-May does little to alleviate the anxiety, as well as the guilt about my anxiety. I begin to feel like I should be stronger or not feel claustrophobic or be more thankful for how good I have it. I feel that I am in some way weak or ungrateful because I'm not doing this pandemic-thing perfectly.

Well child, none of us are.

Psychologists call this meta-emotion. It's when you feel emotion about your emotion. There's lots of that going around these days. We feel feelings about our feelings. It's layered and nuanced, interconnected and complex. It can be explained on a psychological level, but that certainly doesn't alleviate the unpleasantness.

So I've been working on moving through the feelings, letting them pass over me or me pass through them, whichever makes the most sense in that moment. And I've been working on not judging myself for feeling what I feel. As a friend reminded me last night, Be gentle with yourself.

I needed to get out of my head--get out of my apartment really--so I volunteered. I signed up online and hopped on a mostly empty subway train towards downtown. Approximately twelve volunteers gathered in the Anna Wintour Volunteer Center at God's Love We Deliver. All of us kept our distance from one another, wearing masks, heads buried in our phones, afraid to make too much eye contact because, who really knows how this virus spreads?

We were divided into two groups for meal deliveries to New Yorkers who can't get out to get food on their own. Most people went with the 72nd Street bound volunteers. I grouped with the 42nd Street crew because I knew I could walk home after and avoid the train.

The bags of food were bigger than we expected. We organized the meals with the assigned addresses and one of my delivery partners said in a shaky voice, "I can't take the train." 

But with such weighty bags, it was apparent we would have to. So I helped route our path to get us as quickly as possible to Times Square on the E Train. It would take only about 12 minutes. 

One volunteer had walked 90 minutes from Brooklyn to avoid taking the subway. So getting on this train was going to be a remarkable leap of faith for him. 

But leap on the train we did. We distanced in the middle of the car while a couple of homeless people slept on the other end. One awoke and began to cough violently. You could see the sputum spray through the air to the other side of the car.

One in my group fled to the opposite end of the car, a wild look of terror in his eyes. Our eyes met, and no explanation was needed. He clearly did not want to be infected.  When we got off the train, I assured him we would be above ground very soon.

And then it began.

As we trekked through the long underground corridor, people began to approach us. We were no speedy Meals on Wheels, slogging these clear, plastic bags of food. So it was easy for people to catch up to us.

People asked where we got the food or if they could have some of what we had. One man said he didn't want food, only a warm coat, as it was a cold spring day.

Years earlier I had learned to discern the look of hunger in a person's eyes, through my many experiences in Haiti. When you look deeply into the eyes of someone who is genuinely hungry, you sense both humility and desperation.

On any normal day in New York City, most people begging on the streets are fairly sophisticated in their approach. They hold signs with funny quips or emotional pleas, which often are enough to open the wallets of passing tourists.

These people on this very un-normal day were not that way. There were no clever signs. They carried the recognizable look of desperation, and I knew the hunger and need were genuine. For hunger is the same whether traversing subterranean tunnels of New York City or the back bushes of Haiti.

I delivered my meals, hanging the bag on the doorknob, knocking loud, then backing up six feet. "This is God's Love," we were told to announce to the recipients. If there is such a thing as God's Love, surely it looks like this: human hands serving another human in time of need.

I ventured back towards Time Square and stopped at a friend's locally-owned coffeeshop. I ordered a latte and an additional hot coffee for the cold, homeless man out front, as the barista verified that he was in genuine need.

But I am not so certain his genuineness or lack thereof really matters. Everyone seems to carry a degree of desperation these days, whether a hunger in the belly or a hunger in the soul. Freely giving a hot coffee on a cold day says more about the heart condition of the benefactor than it does the supplicant. For freely we have received, freely we give.

As I walked through an empty Times Square during lunch hour, my senses were once again assaulted by the grim, apocalyptic cityscape that typifies this city these days. My chest was still tight but not quite as anxious, and my emotional state ceased to matter as much as it had before.

 

My Experience from the Epicenter - Saving Grace

Some mornings reality rudely awakens my dreamscape, and the thought of facing the day is more than I can bear. I roll over to my other side in hopes that I can descend back into restful bliss and avoid earth's current doomsday scenario.

And most mornings that doesn't work. So I get up and go ahead with my morning routine because honestly in times like these, routine helps.

Routine hems borders to the frayed edges of my nerves. It provides banks to the river rapids of my soul. Routine brings back some semblance of normal.

Yesterday was such a day. After twenty-seven days at home, my mind had decided to have a mind of its own. The day started dodgy. From brewing the coffee to making the bed, I strained against my simple, morning rituals. 

My psyche was living life on its own terms and did not want to behave. I felt irritable and easily-agitated. Watching the news, looking at my Facebook feed, or listening to the daily White House briefing only served to wind me up more.

So much blame-shifting and finger-pointing and fear-mongering. It seems like stay-at-home orders have turned the world upside down. Or maybe it's just revealed the true nature of our deeper selves, when left to our own electronic devices. 

Either way, this prolonged shutdown of most of the earth's population is giving us time to look at ourselves, our systems, and our solutions in new ways. Some say that innovation comes out of such times. If that's the case, we are in for a windfall of wonders and miracles in the months and years to come, because this has not been easy.

But back to my conflicted mind and heart. I escaped for a walk while keeping physically distant and found myself on a huge boulder in Central Park. For a few moments, I felt grounded on that warm stone while spring sunlight attempted to baptize my wintry sins away.

Bless her heart, Spring really does want us all to bloom.

It's Passover and Holy Week after all. It's supposed to be a season of renewal, a time of rebirth, a moment when the Angel of Death passes by and the plagues don't come near our door. A time when resurrection of lost things occurs when we least expect it.

Spring is hopeful. She doesn't give up. She stretches out our days trusting we will lift our gaze to the sun and come back to life.

So much for that, I thought. I know people who have died just this week, as do many of my friends and family.

Where is light when darkness seems so impenetrable? 

Where is joy when we are faced with such sorrow?

Where is healing when we see so much death?

I mean, what if this goes on through the the end of the year? What if it cycles, spins, and returns for the next flu season? What if it mutates and becomes something stronger, more nefarious in weeks and months to come, all before scientists can develop a vaccine?

The weighty pressure of so much uncertainty bore down on my mind and body. The inner rhythm of my soul was not staying on beat, and try as I might, I couldn't get in sync. I found myself drowning in a deep hole of despair with no ladder to climb my way out.

And then I paused, and took a breath. It didn't immediately silence the questions or the feelings. But it did cause me to question the fear behind them.

You see, we are living through an extraordinary time. And it's more important than ever that we be gentle with ourselves. 

We've never traveled this way before. We don't have all the answers to this pandemic. Science doesn't have a cure yet, and clearly, the Federal Government doesn't either.

If we listen to all the outside voices, our hearts will surely fail. That's why it's important to step back, get quiet, and take perspective. 

Perspective-taking allows me to see the bigger picture and find some empathy for myself and others. It doesn't always come naturally, and I do believe it is a skill that can be developed. Such times are primed for developing new coping skills that allow us to plumb emotional depths with newfound nimbleness, delicacy, and dexterity.

I believe these times call us to become much more compassionate with ourselves and demonstrate graciousness to others because none of us is doing this perfectly, and that's okay.  That means we all have to be nicer to each other if we are going to come through to the other side.

I also believe that a lot of this division and rancor is fueled by great fear and assumptions about the way we think life should go.  And when it doesn't go our way, we get overwhelmed and lash out at other people. Our smart phones make it that much easier because the other person is not standing in front of us. We can say what we want with much more limited consequence.

Perhaps things would look and sound different if just for a moment:

Bernie-supporters were kinder to Biden-supporters, and Biden-supporters were kind to everyone. 

Conservatives would loosen up on their rigid adherence to legalistic standards that puts party over people, and liberals would be less snarky in their rhetoric regarding those on the other side of the aisle.

Media outlets would begin reporting more facts and drop the one-sided political bias.

The President and elected officials would measure their words and work together for all the people, not just their own political tribe.

Fundamentalists would stop declaring God's judgment on everyone else, and the rest of us would stop becoming so emotionally reactive to them because that's exactly what they get off on. It's how they justify their tepid theology and shore up their fragile souls.

Because in times of pandemic, words and deeds must carry with them the balm of healing, not the politics of war. We can debate all this stuff once we aren't losing hundreds of thousands daily to this virus.

It's too much to expect us to grieve the dead and fight the living all at once. Our souls are not equipped to do both right now. We are weary, we are tired, we need a little more time to take all this in and process these enormous life changes that have come.

That's why this starts with me and with you. I am allowed to have a bad day and not beat myself up over it. I am allowed to have a bad day and not beat you up over it. 

I can read a post on social media and not become emotionally reactive just because I feel powerless and alone. I can look at it, give the person a little benefit of the doubt, and move on. I can change the channel or turn off the tv.

I don't have to respond to every contrarian that presents before me. Sometimes, the best response I can give a provocateur is my silence.

This doesn't mean that I give up my strong opinions or that my momentary silence is mistaken for assent. I think it just means we will have more strength to work this stuff out once the death rate falls a little lower.

I believe we would benefit from being more forgiving and less judgmental in these times, especially when it comes to the media, religion, and politics. Or we may just keep devouring ourselves over and over again until we end up broken, bitter people who are alienated from our neighbors, friends, and family. I am not convinced all of the relentless backbiting, name-calling, and over-sensitivity is serving us very well. 

We need to give each other a just little bit more room to be human and to make mistakes, or none of us are getting out of this thing alive. We need lots of grace. In doing so, we just might save ourselves.

If there is anything this virus is teaching us, I think it is that we are all interconnected. The virus doesn't observe political borders nor discriminate solely based on gender, race, sexual orientation, identity, tribe, nation, or creed. So why do we?

It's as if Mother Nature herself is screaming at the human population, calling back her unruly children to their divine nature, reminding us that we really are all One.

Let's begin acting like we really are all in this together because the reality is we are.

Let's be kinder to ourselves and each other because gentleness will heal our tender wounds.

Let's go a little easier on ourselves and each other because compassion will carry us forward.

During my meltdown on the hot rock in Central Park, a friend rang. She lives only across the bridge in Jersey City, but in times like these that might as well be a million miles away. It was good to hear her friendly voice.

She said I had been on her mind and wanted to check in. We began to catch up, giving updates on friends and family. Her call gave me a a much needed moment to reconnect my disjointed parts. We talked about the great suffering humanity is collectively enduring and how the virus doesn't care about our differing perspectives.

She then observed, "It really is all about grace, you know."

Amazing grace. 

Reconciling grace.

Saving grace.

May we all be overcome by this grace, and may we never recover! 

And let it begin with me.

My Experience from the Epicenter

The silence day and night is really only punctuated by the intermittent sound of sirens passing by on Sixth Avenue below. Normally the noise of traffic is so loud it penetrates the re-enforced windows of the apartment. But not the last few weeks.

I also now notice the church bells a few blocks away. They toll on the hour, and on any other day I wouldn't hear them. But now they have become to me a regular reminder to still my soul, silence my mind, and go to that place in my spirit where I find solace.

The streets are eerily quiet, like the photo I took from my balcony mid-afternoon today. When I do go out for groceries, I avoid the few people I see on the street. The only people who do approach me are the homeless or mentally ill who seem more desperate now than in non-pandemic times.

I haven't wanted to put anything in writing about what it's like to live in the heart of Midtown Manhattan in the current epicenter of the pandemic. It feels insensitive and narcissistic to share my experience when I don't know anyone personally who has passed away. Yet.

It's really just a matter of time, I suppose.

So I measure my words, manage my emotion, and stay as focused as possible throughout the day. And I pen these thoughts right now because so many lovely friends and family from across the world have checked in wanting to know how I am doing.

Yesterday I did a mental tally of the people I know personally who have gotten the virus. I stopped counting because it was too overwhelming. There were just too many.

It's likely many more of us--myself included--have been exposed and resolved with little symptoms. At least that's what I hope for. 

My social media feed is filled with accounts of friends and acquaintances who are suffering immeasurably. In between those talking about their own illness--or their friend who died-are the reports of healthcare workers, most of whom I know personally. They share their experiences of vulnerability and courage of being on the front line, working to save lives, fighting for us all. 

As of Thursday, it's been 21 days stay-at-home for me. And while I would like to say this has gotten easier, it really hasn't. The pathos is great. My heart is heavy.

It feels a little like the movie Groundhog Day. Not working takes away the normal markers so that weekdays flow into weekends. I've forgotten the day of the week more than once.

But, this is not Groundhog Day. This is real life. This is the new normal--at least for a few more weeks to come.

I try to stay consistent with my spiritual practice. That is what grounds me. It's where I find my strength to not give into the dark abyss of fear and uncertainty.

When I silence the chatter of my mind, it's as if I can then feel the pain of those suffering throughout NYC. So I breathe in and out, trusting my sighs are sacred and might somehow carry peace and healing to others in need.

The virus teaches me how very much connected the whole world really is.  We are all in this together. No woman or man is an island, even though we practice social distancing and maintain two meters apart.

At this time I'm not overly worried about Ian or myself. He is doing an amazing job in the medical response at Bellevue, fighting this demon on the front line. He is an American hero. An evening doesn't go by that we don't shed some tears when processing our day. We weep for ourselves, for our friends, and for our city. We weep as well for the sick, the suffering, and the dying.

I am mostly concerned about my friends and family across the country, especially in states and regions where the government hasn't responded early enough. I am not convinced that everyone realizes how overwhelming this thing is. And I want them to be prepared for the coming tsunami.

Having said that, I am not sure you can really ever be fully prepared. You say a prayer, take a deep breath, and then go and do your very best.

This is what my Grandpa Benz meant when he would say, "Put legs to your prayers." The Great Depression and World War II taught his generation how to do that. I hope we can learn how to as well.

During this time, I remind myself of my deeply held values, foremost, that all life is sacred and connected. And it is the responsibility of those in positions of authority to enact measures to protect the vulnerable in our society, especially in times of pandemic and national crisis.

It disturbs me when I see this not happening.

I'm angry because some parts of federal and local governments did not do their part early enough to heed the words of scientists, medical doctors, and public health officials who were sounding the alarm.

I'm disgusted that many people were posting online that the mainstream media was sensationalizing the threat.

I'm alarmed that people minimize what is now upon us and compare this to the flu. This is not the flu. 

I'm sad that those sick in hospital can't see the compassionate faces of their care givers due to protective masks.

I'm overwhelmed at the thought that people are dying alone without their loved ones by their side.

I'm shocked that some people can't even go to the morgue to touch their deceased loved one and say goodbye.

I'm beside myself that pastors are holding church services in the name of religious freedom when in reality the are placing people in harm's way. These snake oil salesman misrepresent God and profiteer off their congregations. They abdicate the high calling on their lives.

I'm undone because none of this should be this way. It shouldn't be happening here. But it is.

I trust that as a nation we will take a long moral inventory when this is over and make changes. Because after this, everything must change.

I also humbly recognize that my strong emotion will not change things. For now, it only serves to tie me up in knots of angst and anxiety.

So I choose to let it go and refrain from engaging in online arguments. People often speak from a place of fear, ignorance, or invincibility. It is not my job to correct those with whom I do not have ongoing relationship. Thank goodness for that!

My emotional energy is better served in building up those around me, encouraging those who are in fear, and connecting with those who feel so very alone. 

It's as Governor Cuomo said a few days ago, we need partnership over partisanship.

Because the new patriots are agents of healing, not agents of war.

So I gather together the distressed parts of my soul and remind myself, this is hard but we are in this together. We are not alone.

I lift my gaze and shore up my optimism that we will get through this.

I count my blessings.

I make my gratitude list.

I check in with friends and family.

I choose to be gentle with myself and show compassion to the weak.

I look for the helpers.

When I hear about someone who has died, I say their name out loud, giving witness to the Universe that this person's life matters and they did not die in vain.

And I as hear the screeching of sirens and the tolling of bells, I allow this experience to work something within me greater and deeper than I have experienced before. 

 

 

 

What I've Learned at 50

I’m turning 50 this Sunday. Like most, I’m saying, how the heck did this happen?!?

A few months before my 49^th birthday I got very excited that 50 was on its way. This excitement surged from deep within yelling, I made it, I survived, I’m living the life I want to live! I am at peace with myself, my family, my friends, living my best life on Life’s terms.  All is well!

When I turned 40 I made a list of things I’d learned. So I decided to do it again. I’ve taken my list from 40 and updated it with a 50 things I’ve learned at this point of my journey:

1. Too much introspection and soul-searching does you little good. (I'm finally listening to my dad on that one.) At some point you need to stop thinking about it, and just make a move. Staying stuck in your head only results in paralysis.

2. Guilt is over-rated and rarely productive. Let it go! (That includes your Jewish guilt, Evangelical guilt, Catholic guilt, Muslim guilt, family guilt, your momma’s guilt, you get the picture.)

3. Shame is toxic and destructive. The reality is that it will always be there on some level, usually when one least expects it. The goal is to manage it well—rather than it managing me.

4. Fear ultimately only hurts me. No one else.  Except perhaps those it keeps me away from.

5. The decades goe by so very fast. Even faster than what they told me—or at least faster than what I heard them saying. I was just looking at 30 yesterday. Yep, life's a vapor. Savor every moment.

6. Every decade, think about what you want your life to look like in ten years. Then, plan for it. I’ve been doing that since 29. I’m now preparing for 60. I’m not a big fan of five- and ten-year plans. But they can serve as general guidelines to keep us thinking about what we want in life.

7. Oh, let me re-visit something about fear. Age and experience can help us overcome our fears. I’m far less fearful than I was at 40, 30, or 20. That’s good news. It gets better.

8. It's good to create your life as you go. It's good to make hard decisions and walk them out.  It’s okay to start over, and please do start over often. I recommend a daily clean slate.

9. Stay in the moment because it’s all I really have. Focusing on my breath helps with that.

10. Things can get bad and stay that way for a long while but time really is on your side. This too shall pass. It really does pass. Just give it more time.

11. Keep short accounts. Live a life of forgiveness—with yourself and with others.

12. Guard your heart. Release resentments before they turn into bitterness. Resentments are emotional cancer and hurt only me. They also make me extraordinarily un-likeable.

13. Religion will fail you. Faith won't.

14. No one has a corner on faith. If they say they do, they probably just want your money.

15. Keep traveling. Experiencing new places, cultures, and peoples challenges our presuppositions about life and makes us better, if we let it.

16. Life is rarely black and white. Life is lived in shades of grey. Get comfortable with that notion. It makes life easier.

17. Clean living has its benefits. Find out for yourself.

18. Morally speaking, what's clean for one may be unclean for another. And what’s unclean for one may be clean for another. Find out for yourself.

19. Listen to counsel. When in doubt, seek a little more counsel. Then, find out for yourself.

20. Take risks. And be willing to live the consequences that come with.

21. The more I learn about Life, the more I realize I have very few certitudes when it comes to God. I’m learning there is peace in the mystery of not knowing and that Love conquers all. And that's enough for me.

22. The more I experience life the more I realize I have very few answers. But lots of darn good questions.  Learn to ask really good questions.

23. A little doubt is healthy. Too much doubt, lethal.

24. A little levity has never hurt me. In fact, a lot of levity has only done me good so I can usually do with a little bit more. Have a lot more fun because life can be really challenging. Fun and laughter make the journey much, much easier.

25. Worry is mostly BS disguising itself as concern. It's treacherous and in the end a traitor. Watch out for it. Kill it when it rears its ugly head. Have no part in it.

26. Things somehow work out—maybe not the way I want—but somehow the way I need.

27. I'm pretty lousy at predicting what I'm going to need.

28. Trust the process of life. The Universe really is on our side, despite how things might temporarily appear. Trusting takes practice, so keep at it.

29. If you don't want people to know something, don't tell them. In fact, don’t tell anyone.

30. If you want to drive people crazy, stay silent. There can be great value in keeping them guessing.

31. I'm not very good at staying silent. But there is great wisdom in knowing when to hold one’s tongue. Once words are uttered, they can really never be taken back 100%.

32. Know when to speak up and be counted. Silence can also be viewed as consent, even viewed as an assent. Sometimes our voices must be heard, especially when the vulnerable are involved.

33. It does no good to argue a person's experience. You can dispute a position, but never an experience.

34. Gratefulness is radically important to life. Gratitude produces contentment, joy, and peace.

35. Complaining doesn’t change anything other than my mood and the mood of those around me. Find the solution instead of the problem.

36. Sometimes we need someone safe to listen to us complain. And then we need them to slap us silly and give us a hug, telling us it's going to be all right.

37. Don't take being slapped silly too personal. In fact, don't take anything too personal. It’s really not about me, even as much as my narcissism would like me to think.

38. Love your neighbor. Be kind to everyone. You might need them someday.

39. Take time for family. We don't have each other for very long. Speak your love to them while they are still here. This includes chosen family.

40. Be generous with your time and money, and give it in a strategic way. It will come back to you when you need it.

41. Practice generosity of spirit in all things. Live life from a place of abundance, even when the bank account is low especially when the bank account is low.

42. There are givers and takers in life. Surround yourself with more givers that takers.

43. Most of the choices we make in life come from a place of hope or despair. Always choose from the place of hope.

44. Hope is not wishful thinking. It is quiet confidence that arises from the still place of one’s spirit, from the quiet of one’s soul. Get in touch with that place within you often.

45. Live graciously. Class is not inherited or bestowed, it’s developed and nurtured.

46. Sometimes it’s okay to keep up appearances and act as if. Not everyone needs to know what you are going through.

47. Not everyone has earned the right to hear your story. Share it with those who have.

48. When you can't believe for yourself, it's very good to have people in your life who are believing for you. Find those people, and keep them in your life.

49. People in my life need me to dream, need me to be vital, need me to be me. That's the greatest gift I can give them and the world. Authentic me. Good, bad, and not-so-ugly.
50. The greatest gift my family and friends have given me is believing in me, even when I couldn’t believe in myself. It's a tangible expression of unconditional love. My goal is to return the favor to them. Often.

By the way, this list isn't for you. It's for me. It’s a reminder to live according to the values I hold to and espouse. But do feel free to steal, plagiarize, or plunder anything that fits you. I'd be most honored.

Reclaiming My Voice

I have not written in recent months. Truth be told, I really have not written much in recent years. It’s been a challenge to find my voice. I have lists I’ve made of quotes, inspiration, and wisdom—all waiting to be put to pen and expounded upon. But I’ve lacked the creative juice to make it work.

This is tough because I really do enjoy writing.

There are probably a multitude of reasons for this disconnect. Relocating to NYC nearly three years ago. Transitioning yet again professionally. Building a strong foundation for my relationship. Establishing new relationships. Letting go of affiliations that no longer serve me well. Bringing closure to financial obligations. These kinds of tasks take lots of energy. It’s hard to find the wherewithal to collect ideas and then articulate them in a way that is fresh and engaging.

So I’ve been grappling with this, knowing that there are things inside of me that must find voice. For I believe I am as much responsible for what I don't say as for what I do.

I’m not the only one who sees this about me. Over the last several years multiple people have said to me: When are you going to speak again? When are you going to write again? What are you doing? We miss your voice!

Oh, I’ve spoken at a few conferences and special meetings along the way. I’ve blogged here and there. But I haven’t communicated with the strength, clarity, and consistency of which I’m capable.

About this incapacitation I’ve thought long and hard.

Years ago I had a very successful career in the church world. (I call it my “first career”, my second being my work over the last ten years in the field of addiction and mental health).

I was privileged in my first career to address many congregations, diverse denominations, and even different faith traditions. I was able to build bridges and bring reconciliation to communities that desired it. That work and service carried me to many, many cities, nations, and zones of conflict. Each place I traveled to and each person I met left a deposit within me that I still hold dear.

But I knew I could not be true to who I was and stay in environments that would not receive all of who I was. So I decided to leave those places behind because I could not stand the thought of being duplicitous. I also did not want to risk bringing others down who weren’t ready for me being fully me.  

You see, there are ramifications when we come out of one thing and enter into a new way of life. Not everyone is ready for the change it brings. The empathetic, sensitive part of me realized that. So did the fearful part. I did not want to be judged, condemned or rejected, because I really do love people—even the ones who don’t “get it”.

But the good news is along this journey I’ve picked up many unexpected friends. I’ve listened to the stories of those who have suffered at the hands of family, society, religion, politics, and various systems of injustice and inequity. I’ve stepped in and encouraged and helped to bring transformation where I could do my small part.

But there is still this gnawing desire to speak out, to stand in my truth, to give a voice to the voiceless, to let others know that there are other ways of living than the ineffective, impotent ones they’ve inherited. There really are other fantastic ways to live life.

These better options are what bring me to the life of Rachel Held Evans.

Last Saturday my social media feed began to be filled with the posts of friends who knew her well. I did not know her personally, but I had celebrated her voice for nearly ten years. Her sudden departure has been very jarring for me, her untimely death mystifying to me. I’ve contemplated why voices for justice are cut short, while voices of injustice continue to grow louder in the vitriolic rhetoric that permeates our culture.

Learning of her death has also been an indictment against my personal silence. I think stopped speaking out because I ultimately I couldn’t handle the vitriol, judgmentalism, and criticism that I knew would come my way. I had experienced more than my fair share of judgmental religious folks in my first career and did not care to be on the receiving end of their hell, fire, and brimstone.

I do believe religious people can be some of the meanest on the planet.  They feel their actions and words are those of God so they are justified in whatever they say and do—even if it is illogical, unethical, immoral, or unconscionable. If God’s on your side you can really justify doing anything you want, even if it is harmful to others, right?

Rachel Held Evans spoke out against mean religion, and it cost her. She spoke out for the marginalized and those on the edges. It is said that because of this she had to change publishers, change churches, and find new communities that would receive her. She wrote candidly about her experiences and personal faith. She gave those of us who felt our voices had been snatched away a consistent hope that a different truth and reality could still be realized in today’s world.

I believe in that kind of world. I believe in a world where people are embraced and not just tolerated, where those on the edges are sat at the head of the banquet table, where the misfits, malcontents, and outcasts are accepted for the unique gifts and talents they bring.

When I was fifteen-years-old, I toured the slums of Cite Soleil in Port-au-Prince, Haiti. I helped bring medical aid and food provisions to some of the poorest of the poor in the Western Hemisphere. I experienced extreme injustice and inequality. This impacted me very deeply. I can still recall the stench of disease and death that day.

My Haitian tour guide sat me down at the end of the day on a curb surrounded by rubbish, refuse, and human waste. We talked about the people we had visited and their plight. He looked at me squarely and exclaimed, “Jonathan, how is that you are so young and you speak of things the way you do? You are a prophet!”

The words of Emmanuel stunned me. In the midst of some of humanity’s worst suffering and squalor, I had a spiritual experience. I heard clearly the prophetic challenge being delivered to me, calling me to a higher purpose in life. I have never forgotten that encounter.

So during this season I’m reclaiming my prophetic voice that has always been a part of me. I may politically offend. I may step on religious toes. I may challenge deeply-held beliefs. I may expose prejudices. I probably will do these things because that’s what I do to myself on an ongoing basis in the pursuit of truth, justice, liberty, and equality.

If my thinking is not being challenged, I’m not really growing. And it goes the same for you.

We are not promised a tomorrow. All we have is this present moment. For today, I have breath in me. I’m going to use it.  I will continue to stand for the “other”. I will speak out for the poor, the despised, the outcast, the foreigner, the parentless, the voiceless—until we all come to a place where differences are celebrated, neighbors are loved, captives are set free, the lost are found, and those wandering come safely home.

 

Some Post-Election Thoughts on Gratitude

I recently was invited to share some thoughts on "gratitude during difficult times" at Marble Collegiate Church in NYC. Marble has a rich history in the USA, founded in 1628 as well as the congregation of the great preacher and motivational speaker Norman Vincent Peale. 

Here is some of what I shared. It is helping me post-election as I prepare for Thanksgiving and the Holiday Season. (Please forgive the writing style as this was delivered via spoken word.)

I've been more conscientious recently about living from a place of gratitude. Mostly because this year I transitioned career paths and re-located back to NYC from Fort Lauderdale after being away for 7 years. It's been a big, exciting, thrilling, life change but it hasn't been without struggles along the way. 

Now one would think in my line of work that gratitude would just come naturally to me. I've worked in the religious world plus secular, clinical settings and people for a long while have looked to me for inspiration whether through writing, blogging, or speaking. I've even taught the spiritual practice of gratitude to patients in a residential healthcare setting.

But I've got news: for the most part, gratitude doesn't come naturally to me. I find it more often than not a choice.

I must choose to be grateful. I must choose to celebrate life. I must choose to live life intentionally and not be dictated by the winds of emotion. I'm wired emotionally and I sometimes find myself swept away when circumstances aren't lining up perfectly to my liking.

Emotions are a funny thing. I find they usually are not right or wrong--in a moral sense, that is. They are more markers or indicators of what may or may not be happening on a deeper level within me.

Sometimes emotions might be hormonally-induced and no indicator of outward circumstances at all.

Sometimes I wonder if they are influenced by the alignment of the planets spinning around us, exerting invisible, forceful pressure on us that's way out of our finite control.

I mean, did you see that Supermoon the other night?  Think about it: if the moon controls the tides of the oceans, who's to say that the planets can't also impact us internally? Is there a planet-soul connection to our existence? Boy, that would give me a good scapegoat when I'm in a particularly foul mood. You know, blame it on the moon!

Mostly though, I think emotions may be full-on indicators telling us to change our environment or challenging us to change ourselves. That, my friends, is more easily said than done.

That's why I think choosing to be grateful is so important. A positive affirmation or statement of thanks can help to shift dodgy emotions--especially when we enter the Holiday season and discover that our lives don't necessarily line up with the idyllic Christmas special on the Hallmark Channel.

I have a former colleague who lives this way. She's survived cancer, addiction, and the death of her son. And she would still smile at me when I see her and say, "It's a beautiful day, I'm alive!."

She reminds me that any day I'm alive is a beautiful day. And guess what? Any day that you are alive is a tremendously beautiful one too. That realization doesn't mean I'm going to feel great all the time. But it does mean that when I experience difficulty I can choose hope over despair, gratitude over grumbling, thankfulness over complaints. I've learned my complaints don't change my circumstances, they merely bring me down. And I prefer being up over being down. That's one of the reasons I've enjoyed Marble Church the last several months. When I'm down, the music, worship, and motivational preaching bring me up!

So I remind myself to be grateful. I remind myself to be thankful. Gratitude is the attitude that changes me internally so that I can navigate what's going around me externally. I choose gratitude today.

After all, it's a beautiful day, I'm alive!

And guess what? It's a beautiful day, and you are alive!

I'm Just Getting Started

I went into 2016 knowing intuitively the New Year would produce some big change in my life. I'm not sure how I knew, but I knew.

I also anticipated that it would be something good. I knew change had to come because I felt myself increasingly frustrated professionally which then impacted me personally. I mean I had had a good life in the sun, a decent paycheck, and beautiful studio loft in Fort Lauderdale. But I was ready for a new challenge.

I became more and more restless--even cantankerous--as the year moved on. The addictions industry I worked in was becoming very troubling: corporate investors, insurance companies, and patient brokers were making it harder and harder on those doing quality work. At times, I had to engage unprofessional and unethical people. So even more restlessness ensued. Something had to give.

Doors would crack open and then suddenly slam with a thud. Spring was particularly difficult. At one point I became very despondent and disillusioned. The inner critic in my head had a field day.  It was easy to be very hard on myself.

My dad wisely commented that a closed door is not always bad, it's just a re-direction. 

Luckily, those closed doors provided re-direction back to NYC. In many ways, returning here has been the restoration of a dream that I think I may have forgotten. 

So in recent weeks I'm filled with gratitude anew. I'm also reflecting on what kind of legacy I want to live at this phase of my life. It's definitely a new chapter, and I want to write it right.

Here are some personal questions I've been reflecting on:

• What can I do to give back to society, to make a difference, to bring about positive change, and to work for justice?
• What can I contribute to the world that comes out of my own experience? 
• Where can I plant seeds in a garden, which I may cultivate, but never harvest? 
• What am I going to do with the time I have left?

I'm grateful for the last seven years in South Florida. I'm certainly not slowing down. In fact, I'm just getting started.

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Yes to Uncertainty, Yes to Adventure

On the unofficial start of summer, I'm contemplating change, risk-taking, and uncertainty. 

I'm generally pretty comfortable with change. I embrace it. I roll with it the best I can.

That strategy is helpful because in behavioral healthcare where I work there is constant change. It's not the most stable of industries. Private investors, corporate mergers and acquisitions, and changing healthcare laws and insurance policies require great flexibility.

I find too that sometimes life thrusts change upon you without checking in with you first. The rules change. What you anticipated happening, doesn't.

You can fight the current of change. Or you can ride the wave and let it take you where it may. I can try to control the process or instead trust the process. I find the latter easier but it requires a lot of letting go, risk-taking, and being okay with uncertainty.

My dad said yesterday that people of faith are okay with uncertainty. I try to anticipate unexpected things so as to navigate them better.

But it doesn't always work that way. In times of uncertainty I find the foundation of faith in my life very helpful. I go back to my core values and do the next right thing.

This doesn't mean I don't feel fear or anxiety. Courageous people feel the fear and do it anyway.

Courageous people do the right next thing in the face of the uncertainties. They take the risk. They jump out of the boat, and find they indeed can walk on water. And if they do go under, they learn to float and flow in the current because there's no shame in sinking. It's what makes us human. We go under and rise back up.

The American write and mythologist Joseph Campbell wrote, "The big question is whether you are going to say yes to your adventure...We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us."

This summer I'm saying 'yes' to the life that awaits me. I'm saying 'yes' to change, risk-taking, and uncertainty. 

I believe the adventure is well worth it.

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