JonathanBenz.com

My Experience from the Epicenter - Saving Grace

Some mornings reality rudely awakens my dreamscape, and the thought of facing the day is more than I can bear. I roll over to my other side in hopes that I can descend back into restful bliss and avoid earth's current doomsday scenario.

And most mornings that doesn't work. So I get up and go ahead with my morning routine because honestly in times like these, routine helps.

Routine hems borders to the frayed edges of my nerves. It provides banks to the river rapids of my soul. Routine brings back some semblance of normal.

Yesterday was such a day. After twenty-seven days at home, my mind had decided to have a mind of its own. The day started dodgy. From brewing the coffee to making the bed, I strained against my simple, morning rituals. 

My psyche was living life on its own terms and did not want to behave. I felt irritable and easily-agitated. Watching the news, looking at my Facebook feed, or listening to the daily White House briefing only served to wind me up more.

So much blame-shifting and finger-pointing and fear-mongering. It seems like stay-at-home orders have turned the world upside down. Or maybe it's just revealed the true nature of our deeper selves, when left to our own electronic devices. 

Either way, this prolonged shutdown of most of the earth's population is giving us time to look at ourselves, our systems, and our solutions in new ways. Some say that innovation comes out of such times. If that's the case, we are in for a windfall of wonders and miracles in the months and years to come, because this has not been easy.

But back to my conflicted mind and heart. I escaped for a walk while keeping physically distant and found myself on a huge boulder in Central Park. For a few moments, I felt grounded on that warm stone while spring sunlight attempted to baptize my wintry sins away.

Bless her heart, Spring really does want us all to bloom.

It's Passover and Holy Week after all. It's supposed to be a season of renewal, a time of rebirth, a moment when the Angel of Death passes by and the plagues don't come near our door. A time when resurrection of lost things occurs when we least expect it.

Spring is hopeful. She doesn't give up. She stretches out our days trusting we will lift our gaze to the sun and come back to life.

So much for that, I thought. I know people who have died just this week, as do many of my friends and family.

Where is light when darkness seems so impenetrable? 

Where is joy when we are faced with such sorrow?

Where is healing when we see so much death?

I mean, what if this goes on through the the end of the year? What if it cycles, spins, and returns for the next flu season? What if it mutates and becomes something stronger, more nefarious in weeks and months to come, all before scientists can develop a vaccine?

The weighty pressure of so much uncertainty bore down on my mind and body. The inner rhythm of my soul was not staying on beat, and try as I might, I couldn't get in sync. I found myself drowning in a deep hole of despair with no ladder to climb my way out.

And then I paused, and took a breath. It didn't immediately silence the questions or the feelings. But it did cause me to question the fear behind them.

You see, we are living through an extraordinary time. And it's more important than ever that we be gentle with ourselves. 

We've never traveled this way before. We don't have all the answers to this pandemic. Science doesn't have a cure yet, and clearly, the Federal Government doesn't either.

If we listen to all the outside voices, our hearts will surely fail. That's why it's important to step back, get quiet, and take perspective. 

Perspective-taking allows me to see the bigger picture and find some empathy for myself and others. It doesn't always come naturally, and I do believe it is a skill that can be developed. Such times are primed for developing new coping skills that allow us to plumb emotional depths with newfound nimbleness, delicacy, and dexterity.

I believe these times call us to become much more compassionate with ourselves and demonstrate graciousness to others because none of us is doing this perfectly, and that's okay.  That means we all have to be nicer to each other if we are going to come through to the other side.

I also believe that a lot of this division and rancor is fueled by great fear and assumptions about the way we think life should go.  And when it doesn't go our way, we get overwhelmed and lash out at other people. Our smart phones make it that much easier because the other person is not standing in front of us. We can say what we want with much more limited consequence.

Perhaps things would look and sound different if just for a moment:

Bernie-supporters were kinder to Biden-supporters, and Biden-supporters were kind to everyone. 

Conservatives would loosen up on their rigid adherence to legalistic standards that puts party over people, and liberals would be less snarky in their rhetoric regarding those on the other side of the aisle.

Media outlets would begin reporting more facts and drop the one-sided political bias.

The President and elected officials would measure their words and work together for all the people, not just their own political tribe.

Fundamentalists would stop declaring God's judgment on everyone else, and the rest of us would stop becoming so emotionally reactive to them because that's exactly what they get off on. It's how they justify their tepid theology and shore up their fragile souls.

Because in times of pandemic, words and deeds must carry with them the balm of healing, not the politics of war. We can debate all this stuff once we aren't losing hundreds of thousands daily to this virus.

It's too much to expect us to grieve the dead and fight the living all at once. Our souls are not equipped to do both right now. We are weary, we are tired, we need a little more time to take all this in and process these enormous life changes that have come.

That's why this starts with me and with you. I am allowed to have a bad day and not beat myself up over it. I am allowed to have a bad day and not beat you up over it. 

I can read a post on social media and not become emotionally reactive just because I feel powerless and alone. I can look at it, give the person a little benefit of the doubt, and move on. I can change the channel or turn off the tv.

I don't have to respond to every contrarian that presents before me. Sometimes, the best response I can give a provocateur is my silence.

This doesn't mean that I give up my strong opinions or that my momentary silence is mistaken for assent. I think it just means we will have more strength to work this stuff out once the death rate falls a little lower.

I believe we would benefit from being more forgiving and less judgmental in these times, especially when it comes to the media, religion, and politics. Or we may just keep devouring ourselves over and over again until we end up broken, bitter people who are alienated from our neighbors, friends, and family. I am not convinced all of the relentless backbiting, name-calling, and over-sensitivity is serving us very well. 

We need to give each other a just little bit more room to be human and to make mistakes, or none of us are getting out of this thing alive. We need lots of grace. In doing so, we just might save ourselves.

If there is anything this virus is teaching us, I think it is that we are all interconnected. The virus doesn't observe political borders nor discriminate solely based on gender, race, sexual orientation, identity, tribe, nation, or creed. So why do we?

It's as if Mother Nature herself is screaming at the human population, calling back her unruly children to their divine nature, reminding us that we really are all One.

Let's begin acting like we really are all in this together because the reality is we are.

Let's be kinder to ourselves and each other because gentleness will heal our tender wounds.

Let's go a little easier on ourselves and each other because compassion will carry us forward.

During my meltdown on the hot rock in Central Park, a friend rang. She lives only across the bridge in Jersey City, but in times like these that might as well be a million miles away. It was good to hear her friendly voice.

She said I had been on her mind and wanted to check in. We began to catch up, giving updates on friends and family. Her call gave me a a much needed moment to reconnect my disjointed parts. We talked about the great suffering humanity is collectively enduring and how the virus doesn't care about our differing perspectives.

She then observed, "It really is all about grace, you know."

Amazing grace. 

Reconciling grace.

Saving grace.

May we all be overcome by this grace, and may we never recover! 

And let it begin with me.

I Must Speak, I Must Listen

I must speak. I cannot stay quiet. As I said in my last post, I lost my voice for a little while due to grief. But my voice is coming back.

I'm sure some would rather I stay silent. They'd rather me not get "political", especially on social media. Some would like to delete issues of injustice from their present reality the way they block Facebook friends with whom they disagree.

You see, for me speaking out on issues of social justice is essential to being true to myself, my community, the values I was raised with, and most certainly of all my faith and moral compass.

I am of the opinion that many people stay silent because it's too risky to speak. Some might say that for those of us who are white, staying silent is the epitome of white privilege and entitlement. We don't want to speak out publicly for people of color or people of a different religion or sexual orientation because we fear it will upset our safe, neat categories at home, school, or church. 

The truth is, none of us lives in a place of safe, neat categories anymore. The internet has changed all that. So has the smart phone.

We live in a land of diversity whether in the heart of New York City or the peaceful, backwoods of small town America.

Lines are blurred now. They most certainly always have been, we just lived as if they weren't. Life is most often lived in shades of grey. Rigid categories don't work very well. The may protect us but they also keep our neighbor out.

I need my neighbor. All of them, whether I want to admit it or not. We are all in this together, and none of us really make it out alive anyway.

I need my neighbors who are different. I need to learn from her experience. I need to listen deeply when he speaks. I need to understand that the color of my skin gives me a qualitatively different experience than that of my sisters and brothers of color. I must understand that with that privilege comes greater responsibility to make room for everyone.

I learned this from a colleague a few years ago. She stated to me, "Jonathan, we have to tell our black sons what to not say and not do when they get pulled over by a police officer. You'll never have that experience. Our black sons are more at risk at being shot than you."

She is very correct.

I must speak, and I also must listen.

I listened last week to a colleague tell me about the times he has been stopped by police for doing nothing wrong. The color of his skin made him suspect. Listening to him made me pause, reflect, inquire, and hear more than just his words but also his deep, emotional experience that is very different from mine. I found a new place of compassion for him, and we now share a deeper connection due to his courageous vulnerability.

This last week I have mourned for my nation. I have mourned for the people beaten and the life of Heather Heyer.

But I too have mourned for my white sisters and brothers who fear speaking out. I have mourned for the white Christians who are trapped so deeply in religious strictures that they can't see beyond their toxic theology. I have mourned for the white supremacists, neo-Nazis, and other fascist groups that feel emboldened by this American President's tolerance for white supremacy, classism, hate, and intolerance.

Be wary of those who stay silent in this hour. Their silent increases hate and wickedness in this land. 

We must become more tolerant, inclusive, accepting, understanding and embracing of those who are different than ourselves. We must boldly denounce those who subjugate others on the basis of their gender, sex, race, ethnicity, religion, sexual orientation, or nationality. We must see beyond these categories to each other's common humanity.

Einstein said:

A human being is part of the whole, called by us ‘universe,’ a part limited in time and space. He experiences himself, his thoughts and feelings, as something separate from the rest — a kind of optical delusion of consciousness. This delusion is a kind of prison for us, restricting us to our personal desires and to affection for a few persons nearest to us. Our task must be to free ourselves from this prison by widening our circle of compassion to embrace all living creatures and the whole of nature in its beauty.

We need to speak boldly, but not so loudly that we can't be heard.  To my white sisters and brothers, now is the time we must also listen. I encourage you to sit down with someone who is different than yourself and listen to their story. You might find you have more in common with them than you think.

"I'm praying God elects my candidate (and so should you)"

My Facebook feed was littered with a lot more political posts than usual this morning.

One was an invitation to join an online prayer meeting to pray that Trump would win. A few posts later was a minister calling for people to pray that Hillary would win.  Right after that was a formerly-religious individual calling for the Religious Right to f-ck off. Then came a very devout Evangelical woman recruiting people to join the Trump Movement promising that God is going to use him bring a new-found freedom to America.

You know it's very important when you need God (and others) to back your cause!

But these diverse posts got me thinking:

• For people who believe that a higher power is involved in national affairs, is God taking sides?
• If prayer really works, then do the prayers for opposing candidates cancel each other out?
• How does someone know that God is actually on their side?
• If one's preferred candidate loses does that mean that evil won and their righteous cause(s) lost?
• Does God even become entangled in the political divisiveness of American society?
• Would God perhaps step back in disgust and have us sort it ourselves?
• For spiritual people, is their well-being and peace centered in the next President or in the meaningful faith they profess?

It's all become quite confusing at times--even disheartening. I don't have the answers to the above questions, but I have lamented with friends our inability to "do unto others as you would have them do unto you".

Do we really dare to "love our neighbors as ourselves" anymore? Or does that only happen after national tragedies?

I'm not sure how prayer plays into getting someone elected but I do know that if prayer doesn't result in a restful, peaceful spirit within me then it probably isn't going to work nationally either.

When we manipulate religion and spirituality to further our political agenda, we are missing the point. Meditation, reflection, contemplation, and prayer are first tools to transform me internally, not to further my agenda of changing others externally. I can't change another, but I can perhaps do the soul-searching work of changing myself and hope that others do the same too.

So I will continue to unfollow some and even unfriend when necessary. I also will thoughtfully consider and engage those with whom I disagree, as long as the tone remains civil and respectful.

I think that's how we become better as a people and as a society: showing kindness to another, one person at a time.

So by all means, share your convictions and vote. And of course, be kind to one another while doing so.

 

 

 

 

Latest Interview on The Rabbi Jenny Show, Delegation

My latest interview on The Rabbi Jenny Show
We were a little wound up for this one!
Entertaining, informative, inspirational...

Envy: The Block to Manifestation

A recent interview with Rabbi Jenny Kuvin on envy as a block to spiritual manifestation

 

 

 

 

Responding to Grief and Tragedy in a Way that Brings Deeper Healing

I awoke this morning to my Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter feeds awash with people standing in solidarity with Paris. That is wonderful and reminds me of how connected we all are in our shared humanity.

I also awoke to a lot of political and religious commentary about Islam, the West, the Middle East, and white privilege.

What I have learned about grief is this: in the early stages the most helpful thing I can do is to feel the pain, shock, disbelief, anger, fear, helplessness, and sadness. I do that by standing with people in these complex emotions and simply recognizing the emotion, feeling it fully, and not judging it. 

That's because the most healing thing I can do initially is to feel fully. 

For me, entering into religious and political commentary too early--making conclusions about what we did/didn't do right--blocks that ability to feel, and thereby, blocks the necessary healing that feeling deeply brings.

This approach works better for me and enables me to come to more objective conclusions that are not colored by overwhelming emotion.

I believe it's normal to rush to political and religious conclusions--just not always helpful to the grieving process so early on.

The Recovery-Minded Church: Loving and Ministering to People with Addiction

I'm excited to announce the release of my new book The Recovery-Minded Church: Loving and Ministering to People with Addiction, which will be released during the upcoming Holiday Season from InterVarsity Press.

The Recovery-Minded Church offers a clinically-informed, theological framework for Christians challenged with how to relate to people with addiction. Each chapter is followed by useful discussion questions.

The book is already receiving some very positive reviews that you can read here. 

I'm grateful to my friend and colleague Kristina Robb-Dover who contributed. Without her assistance, this project would not have been possible.

You can pre-order the book from InterVarsity Press or also at Amazon and Barnes and Noble.

 

Aggression, Intolerance, and Maniacal Thinking

In the last few days, we've seen a number of provocative comments from influential voices on the religious and political Right.

Franklin Graham called for an immediate halt of all Muslims immigrating to the US and for them to be treated the way Japanese and Germans were in WWII.

Then Donald Trump attacked John McCain and veterans in this country as less than heroic if they were captured as POWs. He never served in the Armed Services so this makes his criticism of our veterans all the more appalling. Here's his follow up response and some more of his rhetoric:

ABC US News | World News 

While these statements expand these men's voices in the American culture wars, enough is enough!

I do not identify as Evangelical in my faith or as conservative in my politics. These are not ideologies I espouse.  

Having said that, I do not think being Evangelical or conservative automatically makes one intolerant, misogynistic, homophobic, or anti-Muslim. I work and associate with politically and religiously conservative folks who are none of the above.

But these days I'm not sure it helps.

And that's a shame for the many thoughtful and intelligent people who get associated with this new brand of aggression, intolerance, and maniacal thinking.

 

I hate what is happening in Israel and Gaza.

My Facebook screenshot says it all.

Great Moments Knocking, I Answer

Last year I received a call from an executive director of a treatment center in Fort Lauderdale. I thought the call was about a new center their company was opening in the Palm Beach area.

It wasn't.

I was asked to interview for Director of the Christian Program. 

"Christian what?" I responded.

Initially, I wasn't too keen on being back in an exclusively Christian world. I really enjoy engaging people from diverse religious and cultural backgrounds. I also have never had a huge desire to live and work in Fort Lauderdale.

But I felt a knocking on my heart and knew I needed to respond.  I went through some interviews and was offered the position.

I am Director of Three Strands, The Christian Program at The Recovery Place in Fort Lauderdale. The Recovery Place is owned by Elements Behavioral Health in California. I have been nothing but completely impressed with the professionalism and high calibre of individuals working for this company. I am so grateful to be a part.

I have been privileged to develop programming that integrates spiritual principles with solid clinical therapy for individuals who are battling addiction and other co-occurring mental health disorders. 

Three Strands believes that everyone is welcome at the table of the Lord. We create an atmosphere where people can move into the light and receive nurturing and healing for the soul. We also welcome people of other faiths and even no faith to enter the program. I still believe the Christian faith, when released in the paradigm of the teachings of Jesus, offers one of the greatest invitations to spiritual experience and transformation.

I recently received a huge compliment from a client who did about 40 days of treatment. He stated he entered somewhat agnostic, cynical and very mistrusting of religion. He said he left knowing that he can walk out his recovery following the teachings of Jesus and not having to be a dry, religious person. He said the days in therapy amounted to the greatest spiritual awakening in his life.

That made me smile real big. I feel blessed to be part of a healing center that honors both psychotherapy and spiritual renewal.

The Russian writer Boris Pasternak wrote, "When a great moment knocks on the door of your life, it is often no louder than the beating of your heart, and it is very easy to miss it."

Be attentive to the knocking on the door of your life today. It is probably quite soft and more a sensation than even a noise. If you follow it, it might have the potential to release you into a whole new phase of your life.

I know it has for me.