Some mornings reality rudely awakens my dreamscape, and the thought of facing the day is more than I can bear. I roll over to my other side in hopes that I can descend back into restful bliss and avoid earth's current doomsday scenario.
And most mornings that doesn't work. So I get up and go ahead with my morning routine because honestly in times like these, routine helps.
Routine hems borders to the frayed edges of my nerves. It provides banks to the river rapids of my soul. Routine brings back some semblance of normal.
Yesterday was such a day. After twenty-seven days at home, my mind had decided to have a mind of its own. The day started dodgy. From brewing the coffee to making the bed, I strained against my simple, morning rituals.
My psyche was living life on its own terms and did not want to behave. I felt irritable and easily-agitated. Watching the news, looking at my Facebook feed, or listening to the daily White House briefing only served to wind me up more.
So much blame-shifting and finger-pointing and fear-mongering. It seems like stay-at-home orders have turned the world upside down. Or maybe it's just revealed the true nature of our deeper selves, when left to our own electronic devices.
Either way, this prolonged shutdown of most of the earth's population is giving us time to look at ourselves, our systems, and our solutions in new ways. Some say that innovation comes out of such times. If that's the case, we are in for a windfall of wonders and miracles in the months and years to come, because this has not been easy.
But back to my conflicted mind and heart. I escaped for a walk while keeping physically distant and found myself on a huge boulder in Central Park. For a few moments, I felt grounded on that warm stone while spring sunlight attempted to baptize my wintry sins away.
Bless her heart, Spring really does want us all to bloom.
It's Passover and Holy Week after all. It's supposed to be a season of renewal, a time of rebirth, a moment when the Angel of Death passes by and the plagues don't come near our door. A time when resurrection of lost things occurs when we least expect it.
Spring is hopeful. She doesn't give up. She stretches out our days trusting we will lift our gaze to the sun and come back to life.
So much for that, I thought. I know people who have died just this week, as do many of my friends and family.
Where is light when darkness seems so impenetrable?
Where is joy when we are faced with such sorrow?
Where is healing when we see so much death?
I mean, what if this goes on through the the end of the year? What if it cycles, spins, and returns for the next flu season? What if it mutates and becomes something stronger, more nefarious in weeks and months to come, all before scientists can develop a vaccine?
The weighty pressure of so much uncertainty bore down on my mind and body. The inner rhythm of my soul was not staying on beat, and try as I might, I couldn't get in sync. I found myself drowning in a deep hole of despair with no ladder to climb my way out.
And then I paused, and took a breath. It didn't immediately silence the questions or the feelings. But it did cause me to question the fear behind them.
You see, we are living through an extraordinary time. And it's more important than ever that we be gentle with ourselves.
We've never traveled this way before. We don't have all the answers to this pandemic. Science doesn't have a cure yet, and clearly, the Federal Government doesn't either.
If we listen to all the outside voices, our hearts will surely fail. That's why it's important to step back, get quiet, and take perspective.
Perspective-taking allows me to see the bigger picture and find some empathy for myself and others. It doesn't always come naturally, and I do believe it is a skill that can be developed. Such times are primed for developing new coping skills that allow us to plumb emotional depths with newfound nimbleness, delicacy, and dexterity.
I believe these times call us to become much more compassionate with ourselves and demonstrate graciousness to others because none of us is doing this perfectly, and that's okay. That means we all have to be nicer to each other if we are going to come through to the other side.
I also believe that a lot of this division and rancor is fueled by great fear and assumptions about the way we think life should go. And when it doesn't go our way, we get overwhelmed and lash out at other people. Our smart phones make it that much easier because the other person is not standing in front of us. We can say what we want with much more limited consequence.
Perhaps things would look and sound different if just for a moment:
Bernie-supporters were kinder to Biden-supporters, and Biden-supporters were kind to everyone.
Conservatives would loosen up on their rigid adherence to legalistic standards that puts party over people, and liberals would be less snarky in their rhetoric regarding those on the other side of the aisle.
Media outlets would begin reporting more facts and drop the one-sided political bias.
The President and elected officials would measure their words and work together for all the people, not just their own political tribe.
Fundamentalists would stop declaring God's judgment on everyone else, and the rest of us would stop becoming so emotionally reactive to them because that's exactly what they get off on. It's how they justify their tepid theology and shore up their fragile souls.
Because in times of pandemic, words and deeds must carry with them the balm of healing, not the politics of war. We can debate all this stuff once we aren't losing hundreds of thousands daily to this virus.
It's too much to expect us to grieve the dead and fight the living all at once. Our souls are not equipped to do both right now. We are weary, we are tired, we need a little more time to take all this in and process these enormous life changes that have come.
That's why this starts with me and with you. I am allowed to have a bad day and not beat myself up over it. I am allowed to have a bad day and not beat you up over it.
I can read a post on social media and not become emotionally reactive just because I feel powerless and alone. I can look at it, give the person a little benefit of the doubt, and move on. I can change the channel or turn off the tv.
I don't have to respond to every contrarian that presents before me. Sometimes, the best response I can give a provocateur is my silence.
This doesn't mean that I give up my strong opinions or that my momentary silence is mistaken for assent. I think it just means we will have more strength to work this stuff out once the death rate falls a little lower.
I believe we would benefit from being more forgiving and less judgmental in these times, especially when it comes to the media, religion, and politics. Or we may just keep devouring ourselves over and over again until we end up broken, bitter people who are alienated from our neighbors, friends, and family. I am not convinced all of the relentless backbiting, name-calling, and over-sensitivity is serving us very well.
We need to give each other a just little bit more room to be human and to make mistakes, or none of us are getting out of this thing alive. We need lots of grace. In doing so, we just might save ourselves.
If there is anything this virus is teaching us, I think it is that we are all interconnected. The virus doesn't observe political borders nor discriminate solely based on gender, race, sexual orientation, identity, tribe, nation, or creed. So why do we?
It's as if Mother Nature herself is screaming at the human population, calling back her unruly children to their divine nature, reminding us that we really are all One.
Let's begin acting like we really are all in this together because the reality is we are.
Let's be kinder to ourselves and each other because gentleness will heal our tender wounds.
Let's go a little easier on ourselves and each other because compassion will carry us forward.
During my meltdown on the hot rock in Central Park, a friend rang. She lives only across the bridge in Jersey City, but in times like these that might as well be a million miles away. It was good to hear her friendly voice.
She said I had been on her mind and wanted to check in. We began to catch up, giving updates on friends and family. Her call gave me a a much needed moment to reconnect my disjointed parts. We talked about the great suffering humanity is collectively enduring and how the virus doesn't care about our differing perspectives.
She then observed, "It really is all about grace, you know."
Amazing grace.
Reconciling grace.
Saving grace.
May we all be overcome by this grace, and may we never recover!
And let it begin with me.
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